Things I Like About Work

Things I like about work:

1. The candy bowl
2. ...hmm

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

My favorite Friday ritual: Lysoling my desk and erasing my browser history. It's like the whole week never happened...

Overheard at the Airport Terminal

Lady 1: (turns to the stranger sitting next to her) So, are you traveling
Lady 2: Why yes, I am!

I mean, honestly? No - I'm just here having lunch. Everyone is traveling - it's an airport!!

All Mondays are Stupid but This One Really Sucks

My day so far today:

Wake up at 4am and go to the airport for a stupid work trip. Find out that every.single.flight. on United is delayed due to weather and every.single.person. has to wait in line to talk to a ticket agent and get rebooked on a different flight. Stand in line for an hour and half at five in the morning and finally get my turn at the ticket counter. Tell the agent I have a meeting at noon. He tells me I am in luck, he can get me there at 11:30 this morning! There is a connection in DC, the flight leaves in 2 hours, he prints me my tickets and I go on my way. Wait 2 hours for the flight to DC and land with 20 minutes before my connection. Check the screen for my gate. Check the screen for my gate. Check the screen for my gate. Start to panic as I now have 15 minutes for my connection. Look at the ticket for a gate. Realize that when the ticket agent rebooked me he put me on a 10:30 p.m. flight. TEN THIRTY PM AND IT'S TEN FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING AND MY MEETING IS AT NOON. Run to the customer service counter where they confirm he did indeed book me on a pm flight and inform me the earliest flight out is at 5pm.

They give me a little sad smile and tell me they are sorry and there is nothing they can do and wow that really sucks. I call to say I'll miss the 12pm meeting but I still have to wait for this godforsaken flight because I have 2 meetings tomorrow morning before I turn around and come back home. On a flight that connects through DC. So currently I'm on hour 3 of the 7 hour layover and I've had like 4 hours of sleep. You know what's interesting about the DC airport though? oh wait, nothing. There is nothing interesting about it. It's like every other airport and people are annoying and gum is too expensive and the seats have a weird smell. Awesome.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

1 ticket to Greensboro, North Carolina - $300

1 cab ride to the airport at 4am - $38

1 coffee to wake you up for you meeting when you land - $2

Finding out the ticket agent rebooked your flight for PM instead of AM when you’re halfway between home and your destination...priceless


For missing work meetings, there’s United.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

"Yeah, I was existing on a diet of redbull and stress."

Sorry Your Kid Can't Draw

I love this site I am better than your kids. Sometimes people put their children's artwork up in their cube and then you have to see it every day. Sometimes, you even have to make awkward conversation and pretend you like it. I mean, 99 times out of 100 its not good. In fact in sucks. So it's nice to see someone say all the things I'd like to tell their parents.

Some favorites:

You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I could have sworn America's colors were red, white and blue. There's no yellow anywhere, traitor.F



This one wouldn't be too bad if the color were kept inside the lines, you picked a new perspective, used non-abrasive colors and asked someone with talent to paint it for you. On one hand I want to give an A for effort but... F

Excellent Facebook Rant

Some people, who obviously know me very well, sent me this video. They said, "I actually think we had this exact conversation with you before." I very much approve of this rant. I have a "friend" on facebook right now who keeps putting her baby walrus up for adoption from wasting time aquarium or something. Why do I want to adopt a fake baby walrus? And what even happens if I do?



What IS poking someone??

Overheard at the Water Cooler

"I'm going to be out on Friday. I thought about coming in that morning for just a half day but when I walked in the office today I looked around and was like, um no way."

Reality TV: Always Predictable, Never Original

This article was sent to me by T. I take this to mean I could be a television executive. I hope the contestants take note from the Olympic ice dancers.

Ice dancing reality series planned for ABC
Format would be similar to 'Dancing with the Stars'

By James Hibberd

March 4, 2010, 09:31 PM ET
BBC Worldwide Productions is planning an ice dancing reality series for ABC, the production company announced.

The "Dancing With the Stars" production company is planning a format that's very similar to its current ABC hit, with six celebrities paired with professional skaters.

"ABC has become an incredible partner for us -- we mirror each other's vision in attaining production excellence and we look forward to taking our relationship to the ice," commented Jane Tranter, executive vp of programming and production, BBC Worldwide Productions. "This program will be a truly unique and exciting experience for their viewers."

The untitled series will debut later this year and is based on the BBC's six-year-old "Strictly Ice Dancing" format. Izzie Pick will executive produce.

Cage Monkey Goes Missing: Office Goes Bananas

I have always thought if I just didn't show up for work one day nobody would notice and wondered how long it would take before someone realized the cage had been unlocked and the animals had gotten free. I was wrong.

We have 2 offices that are about 5 miles away from each other and occasionally have to drive back and forth between the two for meetings. It's actually kind of a pain in the ass but whatever. So at 4pm on Tuesday I learn from this guy on that we have a meeting in the other office first thing the next morning. He had conveniently forgotten to tell me about it and rather than sending me a meeting request he just casually mentioned it and told me I should go. Great. So I didn't really see anyone the rest of the day to let them know but figured, okay so I'll be gone an hour and that will be that. The meeting ended up being FIVE HOURS LONG. So unnecessary. There was some weirdo guy presenting to us that reminded me of an overzealous magician. His voice would get all loud and excited and then he'd point at someone and say, "so then what do YOU think would happen??" I kept waiting for him to pull a rabbit out of his briefcase but it never happened.

So five hours and 3 advil later I finally get back to my cage and everyone is frantic. Seriously. Apparently some issue had come up and they needed to find me and couldn't and then started freaking out. They told me the were "so worried that something had happened to me" and half the office knew I was "missing". I guess after about an hour of panic they asked someone who knew where I was and order was restored but when I got back I had to apologize to everyone for all the heartache I had put them through.

I'm thinking of posting my schedule on the cube wall now so this never happens again. This totally ruins my plan of disappearing one day and not coming back and expecting to get a paycheck.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

Person 1: I don't know what happened to that box I shipped.
Person 2: It's probably just on the island of misfit boxes.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

If Ellen danced with a cartoon skat-cat and Kara married Emilio Estevez, I think I could get into American Idol this season.

Town Hall Meetings are Suspiciously Like All Other Meetings

We just had a "Town Hall Style" meeting with some very important people. I didn't coin that phrase, that's what it was called. Now, I've never been to an actual town hall meeting so I really have no comparison but this meeting seemed pretty similar to all other meetings I've attended here in the office. Some people talked at us about exciting!, the future! and possibilities! Then they asked for questions and everyone stared blankly. We wanted to know if we were all getting fired but it seemed inappropriate to ask when they were trying so hard to be positive. I wish they served snacks at town hall meetings.

Creepy Jingles

My roommate once pointed out how creepy the "Bumble Bee Tuna" song is and now every time I hear it my hair stands on end. This guy sounds like he's about to snap and drown us all in tuna while strumming slowly on his guitar.

I always hear it on the radio but apparently it's a commercial, too. Everyone seems wary of him but more in a "okay bumblebee guy, I'm just trying to eat" rather than "Holy $%&# - kids RUN! Everyone get the hell out of here because this weirdo is floating in the air and singing at me with an intensity I've never seen!" which is how I would respond. So is he supposed to be creepy or is that a happy accident?

Sad but True

Sometimes while I'm on facebook I'll open a new window to check facebook. I guess because I'm bored and looking for things to do and that's my automatic go-to. I know, it's sad.

Office Olympics

In keeping with the Olympics theme, I've been trying to think of some events we could hold here in the office. Instead of medals, we could award podium finishers with 40, 60, and 90 minute lunch breaks. This is what I've come up with so far:

The Relay Meeting
Since meeting often go on way too long and we end up talking in circles and repeating ourselves, why not implement the meeting relay? Groups form teams of 4 and tag in and out of the meeting and see how long you can keep the meeting going without stopping. When a team reaches it peak of annoyance it will drop out of the race. Those who can sleep with their eyes open will fare well in this competition

Individual Coffee Making
Individuals will compete in making a batch of coffee that actually tastes good. Since it's never happened in my office, I'm sure this will be a difficult event that requires intense training. After the coffee is made it will be rated by a panel of judges. Scoring will be pasted on taste, presentation, and overall impression.

Water Cooler Races
Individuals will compete head to head against one another to fill up red solo cups with water and transport it back to a cup without spilling. The first to five wins. This could also be made into a team event.

Emoticon Images
Individuals will design pictures made out keyboard characters. The first day of competition consists of a skills test for basic emoticons ( happy - :) angry - >:[ surprised - :O etc) the top 12 will move on the the second day and compete in the free design where they can show off their skills and creativity creating different shapes. While the judging can be subjective it's proven to be a crowd favorite.


Elevator Races
Self-explanatory and just fun

Passive-Aggressive Email Replies
Judges issue an email will a simple request and then contestants compete head to head responding to one another trying to one up and create a better passive-aggressive reply to the email. The email chain will bounce back and forth between constants until one judge declares a constant has stepped out of bounds (i.e., said what they really think or turned to actual aggression) or a player runs out of replies and concedes.


Other ideas???

Overheard at the Water Cooler,

This is actually more of an overheard on the phone, as a woman gave me major 'tude about attending a conference.

Woman: "HumansInCages, I don't understand why you wouldn't attend"
HumansInCages: "Well, as I'm sure you've experienced it all comes down to money and I'm trying to work it in my budget"
Woman: "Yes but Humans, our show is by the far the best. I'd think you'd be jumping at the chance"

The Agony of Ice Dancing

I've become completely addicted to the Olympics. All those heart wrenching stories of victory and defeat; what's not to like? I've taken to watching every single event that I can, no matter what it is. I totally understand the rules of curling now. I empathize with the Norway-Sweden rivalry in cross country. And this brings me to ice dancing.

I don't get it. I just...don't. I mean, they wear truly ridiculous costumes and go out there and just sort of, well, skate. With giant smiles on their faces.







I get that the footwork is difficult and there are certain steps they have to do and all that but it's not like they're going to fall. I least in regular ice skating they have the jumps and the fear of falling at the Olympics and ruining their chances and dreams and everything they've been working for. I mean, that part is interesting. In ice dancing I sort of feel like, okay you're going to go out and do the routine that was choreographed for you just like you've done it every day in practice. And you probably know basically where you'll end up in the standings because you've competed with this routine before and really how different can it be each time? I'm not saying it isn't hard, I'm sure it is. It just not really spectator friendly.

Although, I could totally see a "Skating with the Stars" as the next reality hit. A bunch of burnt out z-list celebrities falling all over the ice while some bubbly skater glides them along. It would be completely horrendous and #1 in the ratings. You heard it here first.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

I like lent. Not because I got to church or give anything up, but because the fillet o fish singing commercials are back. Apparently, I'm not alone because there is an actual signing fish you can buy. He gets really into it towards he end.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

I hate Sunday's because they remind me of Monday.

My Advice For Recent Graduates

Recently we had an open position for an entry-level person on the team and I had the honor of being a part of the resume screening and first round interviews (I know, ironic isn't it?). I don't screen candidates often but I figured - it's entry level, we just need an enthusiastic recent college grad. I was not prepared for what happened. Speaking from a strictly non-HR position and someone with really no background or authority, here is my advice.

First, please do not list all of your college course on your resume. I mean, I really can't express to you how much I don't care that you took communication 460 and statistics 201. Along those lines, if you have no work experience, why is your resume 3 pages long? (Maybe because you listed all your courses...) I don't need to know where you went to high school and the names of every family you babysit for and that you were a substitute teacher for exactly 3 days.

Ok, so assuming your resume is decent and you come in and interview, please engage in conversation with me. Please. If I say, "Hey you went to X college, what made you choose that school?" don't just stare at me and say, "I don't know, it was close to home." I mean, I don't expect you to have all this work experience to discuss with me but I sort of thought you'd be able to tell me about yourself. Oh and also, if I ask if you're interested in the industry of the job for which you're applying, you should say yes. It's okay if you lie to me, I'd actually prefer it. Feel free to lie and and say you can't wait to start working and are very enthusiastic. I mean, I lie to all of you. When you ask me if I like working here I always say "yes, I really love it." See, it's pretty easy.

Help me help you, recent grads. Work sucks but you don't know that yet, because you haven't had a job. So really, you should all greet me blissfully unaware and excited to put up some affirmation posters in your cube. Is that asking too much?
Then after you've been working for a few months, you can start to refer to the cube as a cage and go to lunch so that you can bitch with co-workers. It's all the natural progression of life.

Showergate

Ok, those of you who follow me on twitter know most of this, but here is the full story of Showergate 2010.

On a Wednesday morning around 9:30am, a guy, let's call him M., went into the Men's bathroom on the second floor of the office. The bathroom is set up so there are stalls and then a shower with a changing area in the back and door that closes. The shower, and the whole bathroom really, is completely disgusting. So M. goes in and sees the shower door is closed and can hear very loud snoring coming from behind it. He thinks this is weird and goes to find some other people to come hear it and by the time they get back the door is open and the culprit is gone.

Everyone sort of laughs it off but rumor's start flying around the office. The most popular rumor is that a homeless man is coming into the office at night and sleeping in our shower. He's been doing it for months and leaving before we all got in but today he overslept. To clarify, yes this could be done because there is little to no security in the building however it's very unlikely considering I've never seen anything resembling a homeless person in this tiny suburb. So everyone starts talking about how we need to lock up our bags and install key cards systems and basically going crazy. You know, for all of 10 minutes until everyone forgets about it.

So the next day, M. is back in the bathroom around 10:30am and hears the snoring even louder than the day before and goes running to find other people. His boss decides we need to take action so he goes and calls the cops and tells M. to stand outside the door and wait for showersleeper to come out so he doesn't get away. SO M. and his boss stand at the door and wait while the cops are on their way, too frightened to knock or open the door themselves, when all of the sudden the door opens and the temp, yes a temp working for us, comes strolling out.

The boss asks him: Were you sleeping in the shower?
Showersleeper: Yes
Boss: Why were you sleeping in the shower?
Showersleeper: What, can't a guy take a nap on his lunchbreak?

So the cops arrived but were sent back home and everyone could rest assured that people weren't walking in off the street. The worst part, and the part I really don't get, is that he was SLEEPING on the DISGUSTING floor of the shower. I mean, was he just all curled up in there? I don't think it's ever been cleaned.

When the temp's project ended, he was not renewed. All in all it was probably one of the most entertaining days I've ever had at work.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

"I am the bagel club queen"

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

I actually thought this when I got to work this morning. This card makes me feel like I'm not alone. Seeing flowers delivered at work is an awkward, uncomfortable encounter for everyone. People in the neighboring cubes have to ohhh and ahh at them and then the person receiving flowers has to parade around the office with them...it's a lot. So anyway, thank you sommeecards

Um, Ew?

I just received this email:

We are experiencing frequent power brown outs right now. Please be sure to save your work often.


What's a brown out?? Do I even want to know?

F-You City of Boston

I'm sure I'm not breaking new ground by saying that the city of Boston is horrible and the parking ticket situation is was out of control. After a particularly frustrating episode, I followed up with this letter:



Dear City of Boston Parking Violation Services,

I would just like to voice my opinion over what a horrible, frustrating, and infuriating experience it’s been dealing with the city of Boston and attempting to pay a parking ticket. I received a ticket on January 10th, 2010. I misread the signs but took responsibility of that and made attempts to pay the ticket. On the ticket it says you can pay by phone, online, OR by mailing the ticket in. I attempted to pay the ticket online AND by phone and on January 28th and was given the response: ticket number not on file. No further explanation was given on the website or on the phone and nowhere on the ticket is this issue addressed with instruction on how to proceed. I then, on February 11th, find I have been issued a late fee for not paying the ticket – the same ticket I was trying to pay all along.

I called a service representative and was greeted with hostility and attitude. I explained I was angry and happy to pay for the price of the ticket but not the late fee as I had been continuously attempting to pay the ticket. I was told by the representative that this “is not her problem”. I was given no explanations and simply told to schedule a hearing. She then hung up on me so I called back and asked to speak to her supervisor. She did not pass me off but again started arguing with me and telling me I should have mailed in payment and it’s “not her problem.” I told her that I was not aware payment needed to mailed in because no explanation was given to me about “ticket not on file” and what that meant. So then I asked, what does that mean? I was then told that a police office has to enter the ticket for it to be paid but often times they don’t get around to doing that quickly. I then verified with her that I was expected to pay the ticket in 21 days and penalized if I was late, however a police officer does not have any responsibility to enter the ticket in the system so that a payment can be made.

This is extremely frustrating. The process is unclear and it feels like it’s designed to trip you up so you acquire more fees. Then to accompany that, the office staff is extremely rude and hostile. After a long time on the phone, the staff member finally told me if I mailed in payment she would waive the late fee. I asked her if I could have some sort of written or other verification on this in case I had problems and she said no. I asked her for her name in case I had problems and she said 30, three-zero. After another short response she hung up again.

I’m sure it is no secret to you that citizens of Boston are consistently frustrated by how tickets are issued On top of that, the process to pay them and the people who support it are completely miserable. As a tax payer and a human, I feel as though I should be treated with common courtesy. I feel as though when I try to pay my tickets on time I should not be thrown for a loop and hit with late fees. Police officers should be expected to enter the tickets in the system so they are “on file” if we, as citizens, are expected to pay them and given the web and phone as methods of payment. Staff members in a government position should try and have a pleasant attitude or perhaps they should seek other employment that does not deal with other people. I do not expect anything to change or even for you to care, I just wanted you to know what a completely negative experience this was.


Go Screw.
HumansInCages
(okay that was not the signature)


Viva la revolution anyone? Let's take down city hall!

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

So, I read that the member of the Jersey Shore "cast" from MTV make between $3,000-10,000 per appearance. A.K.A. just to show up at a club.

How on earth is Snooki making more money than me??

Organic Food Makes Me Cool

I recently started using reusable grocery bags at the grocery store. I'd like to say this is because I'm going green and thinking of the environment and being an overall better person, but really it's just to fit in at Trader Joe's. All the cool kids there are carrying reusable bags. Everyone there is so friendly and happy, therefor reusable bags must make you happy, right?

I've even started taking the reusable bags to regular grocery store which is really amazing because then you can feel superior to everyone else carting around their paper and plastic. I also recently discovered that Stop and Shop gives you a $.05 credit if you bring your own bag. FIVE WHOLE CENTS!

The moral of the story is now I fit in at Trader Joe's so I can go in my yoga pants and buy organic potato chips and 99% fat free burritos.

If you're not familiar with the scene, this "commercial" pretty much says it all.

Hi, My Name Is...

SO, i have been DYING to update on what happened at the Christmas party. To get you up to speed, the Christmas party is a lunch at a country club. We each are given 2 dink tickets and there is a buffet and forced mingling and we usually get out early. I have no problems with this. The worst part of this "party" is that every year they make all the new people stand up and introduce themselves and HR says a fun and interesting (i.e. boring or weird) fact about them and we all clap and they get embarrassed and sit down. However this year, HR threw us for a loop and decided to do something different.

We arrived at noon and had our awkward conversations and a token alcoholic beverage in the middle of the day and then thankfully sat down to move things along and get to the food. That's when we were informed that since there had been so many changes over the last year, EVERYONE was going to stand up and introduce themselves. One. By. One. This is not a joke. So I spent the next hour and half trying to keep a look of horror off my face while all 180 people stood up one by one and said their name, department, and how many years they had worked for the company. It was like some sort of bazaar-o AA meeting or something. This is not a joke. The least they could have done was feed me first!

We eventually made it through what I will fondly call one of the worst ideas ever and around 2pm we were able to eat our warmed over buffet. Oh, and by the way yes we were all wearing nametags but apparently that wasn't sufficient. Bah Humbug.

Are You Trying to Tell Me Something?

SO - A guy on my team gave me a Christmas present. It was a lovely gesture and I didn't get anything for him. However, he got me a book called
Why does Popcorn Pop and 201 other fun food facts

I'm not kidding. Um, thanks?

The Hiatus is Over

Ok, so to everyone who has been emailing me about this blog here's what happened. I woke up in the middle of the night and got scared that I would be found out and exposed as the writer for HIC and then I'd be fired and my life would be ruined. I made the blog private and didn't post and didn't invite anytone to read it. So to everyone who knows who I am, keep your mouth shut or HumansInCages will go away forever and never come back.

The thing is so much nonsense has been happening and I feel that I'm doing you all justice if I don't tell you. So I'm back.