Why Don't You Just Buy It

I currently lease my car and I'm nearing the end of the contract so I had to have someone come and inspect it. I had them come look at it at work because that's where I am all the time and so when the guy came my boss saw him looking at my car.
My boss asked me if I was having car trouble and i explained my lease was almost up, bla bla. She then asked what i was going to drive and I told her I was planning on buying out the lease so I wouldn't have to put money down and have a higher monthly payment, etc etc.

She sort of looked at me and said: "why don't you just buy a new car?" She was being serious. She was really asking me that, completely innocent. I told her - I don't have any money. I don't make very much (btw - she decides my salary). She laughed and said, oh - haha yeah. Well I guess that makes sense then.

Was it really necessary for you to rub my face in the fact that you make enough to just buy cars and I can barely afford the monthly payment? thanks so much.

What Has the Office Run Out Of

I have a new game for everyone - it's called: What Has the Office Run Out Of?

The answer for today is....
plastic spoons

sorry to everyone who was hoping to have cereal.

The Dreaded Commute: Snow Edition

Seriously with the snow today? I got up early and drove about 20 miles an hour all the way to work; an hour and half and 3 skids later I finally arrived. That's when I realized that my prize was actually being at work. I'm going out on a limb here and saying it wasn't worth it.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

Lady 1: So yesterday I saw a MOUSE in the basement - can you believe it!
Lady 2: Oh my god, I would already have the for-sale sign out in the front yard.

I Don't Work Here

I watched this video last week and thought it was mildly amusing, then it happened to me. I was at a restaurant after work wearing black pants and red button down shirt and a girl came up and asked me where the bathroom was. When I told her I didn't work there and didn't know she gave me a dirty look as though she didn't believe me.

Do You Work Here? - watch more funny videos

A Company InVESTment

I just got an email to send my size to the events manager because we are getting "a fun clothing item" at our sales meeting. After some investigating I have uncovered that the clothing item is a vest. My first thought was vest, like a suit vest, and I was very confused and thought, oh great we're going to be forced to put on some sort of performance wearing vests and top hats and canes. I envisioned a kickline while singing I loooove to woooork! That myth was quickly dissuaded when they told me no it's a fleece vest with the company logo. Ohhhh. So I said, a fleece vest? Why can't we just get a regular fleece coat, like with sleeves? The answer was, of course, that sleeves were too expensive. We can't afford sleeves.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

Person 1: How are you?

Person 2: Fine, just really unhappy to be here

Facebook Fail

Here are some post from people I went to highschool with. Thanks guys for highlighting our stellar education.

i hate when someone tries to impress someone else by being something their not

(Please try and get a handle on the use of there, their, and they're before you post anything else)

Why is chips and salsa so addictive...

(seriously? I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you did that on purpose)

Auto Complete Me

Thanks to K. for sending this to me. I've come across some of these in my own google searches but having a website do it for me is much better. This also kind of falls in line with my theory that google is always watching and trying to take over the world and maybe some of these are their diabolical ways of influencing us and getting revenge.

http://autocompleteme.com/

The Building is Heated by the Sun

Most people are not happy with then temperature in their office but I have to say I think this place takes it to a new level. It is so freaking cold all the time. HR loves to tell us that they can't control the heat in the building and it's difficult to regulate so everyone is warm. Fine, whatever, I don't really care about everyone I care about me. Make my section warm. Or at least tolerable. Last year people were sending all these emails complaining so HR responded with this:

Please be advised that the building is heated by the sun. When the sun hits the building in the morning it will be warmer and when it goes behind the building in the afternoon it will get cooler. Please dress appropriately and in layers.

I mean, I'm all for going green but WTF. Why do we have to rely on the sun for heat when electricity exists? Today it's cloudy so there is no sun and no warmth. Last year the heat broke for the entire month of February and they wouldn't bring someone in to fix it. We all went to work in down jackets and and gloves. This is no joke. People tried to bring in space heaters but that was shut down because apparently it's afire hazard or something. when they eventually got the heat fixed we were informed it was 42 degrees in the office. I really can't wait for the cold to set in again.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

I think that cell phone technology has come a long way over the last 10 years. In fact, I would go so far as to say every single person I know has and uses a cellphone, including my grandmother. In FACT, most people use cell phones as their primary phones and are pretty familiar with the whole system and how they work. So why, after all this time, do cell phones STILL instruct me on how to leave a message?? "At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options." No. F-ing. Way. Record at the tone? And then hang up when I'm done?? Are you sure??? I feel so uncertain how to proceed with this newfangled technology. Please cell phone, walk me through it! I think it's time we put a little trust in society and just went directly for the beep (think Dylan McKay, "this is Dylan, you know the drill"). I do know the drill, I do.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

"I just got yet another bitchy email talking to me like I'm a peon busboy at Denny's, instead of a professional who's worked here for four years."

This Can't be Good

I think the cleaning staff at the office has thrown in the towel (or the tissue..?). Instead of replacing toilet paper in the dispensers they just left some rolls in he stalls. I'm considering this a sign of things to come here.

Namaste

I don't really like yoga (at all) but everyone is always talking about how wonderful it is and how it puts you at peace with the world and yourself and bla bla bla. So after a particularly frustrating day at work where I did not feel at peace with anyone or anything I decided to give this yoga thing a try. I showed up for a class at my gym, which is near work, and I couldn't even find the right room and I wasn't wearing cool yoga clothes but I finally sat down with the proper equipment and waited for class to begin.

The teacher walked in and put on soothing music and said "ok, let's being (in that really low, monotone voice) and at that moment WHO should come running in but the highly annoying and fully crazy HR Lady from work. F-ing super. So now it was too late to leave and I was stuck in this class I didn't really want to be in with someone I really didn't want to talk to. I was a few rows behind her so I thought maybe I could avoid her but little did I know yoga is full of moves where you turn and look over your should. It took all of 5 minutes for her to see me and start waving and yell-whispering "hi". Needless to say the class was in no way peaceful.

I spent the next hour trying to do moves I really couldn't do (and hold them) and breath in and out loudly, all the while being highly aware of the watchful eyes of HR Lady. Oh, did I mentioned HR Lady loves to gossip? The last straw was when at the end we had to lay on the floor for like an HOUR. I mean maybe it was five minutes but had to be still and silent for an impossibly long time and I have never felt so antsy.

Of course at the end of the class HR Lady came running over to me all, "Hiiiiiii - oh how are you?? What are you doing here, I've never seen you in this class before? Do you go to this gym?"
I told her no, it was just a trial and I didn't think I'd be coming back. Now I stick to the treadmills in the back where I belong. HR Lady is none the wiser.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

I'm on page 24 of the 125 page report due Friday. I sort of just want to put my head down on the keyboard and cry. Whatever keys I press I’ll hand in as my report.

An Open Letter

This is my open letter to HR -

Dear Human Resources,

Thank you so much for incessantly posting flyers on every inch of wall space telling me to cover my mouth when I cough and to STOP and go home and if I have a fever AND cough. Also, thanks for the many emails reminding me of our new "fit to work" policy where we are to supposed to come to work with a 100 degree fever or more. However as I look around the office I can't help but notice the balls of tissues at desks and hear the sounds of coughing echoing in the hallway. While people are covering their mouths as instructed, they are still coming to work sick. Then it hit me - we don't have sick days! Therefor staying home requires us to use our precious vacation days. Who wants to use a coveted day off lying on the couch and eating soup, especially when you don't really feel thaaat bad. As in, you could probably sit through a day at your desk and save your vacation time. I propose implementing sick days in the office for people to use, wait for it, when they are sick. I know this is a little out there so I'll give you some time to let this sink in. Just remember, cold and flu season is only beginning...

sincerely,
humansincages

Overheard at the Water Cooler

I've been trying to get a hold of someone about that problem all day. I really wish people in this office would answers their phones. Ever.

Slacker Friday

It's Friday, which means 60% of the office isn't here. Somehow all these people managed to finagle it so they are "working from home" on Fridays. Yet I continue to drive here like a chump. Something to do with having children=working from home. I'm so glad this office is not penalizing me for my life decisions. Maybe I should just start putting up pictures of a friend's baby all around my cube and pretend that it's mine. And I could rush out of here right at five, all "gotta pick up the kids." I mean, who would ever think that someone would lie about that, right? Then I could "work" from home, too and sleep in and extra hour and check email in my pajamas. You know, the American dream.

On the plus side, for some reason I'm not getting any emails today. Go figure.

Move Over Snuggie

I'm sure that everyone remembers the Snuggie and how it took last year by storm. The commercials where they couldn't answer the phone while in blanket but could easily do it in a Snuggie were everywhere. I saw facebook events for Snuggie pubcrawls and yes, even a Snuggie for dogs.

Well, it's time to move over Snuggie, there's a new kid in town. The horribly-named Lippi Selk Bag. Basically they took the concept further and created giant sleeping bag suits. I feel like they really go into the mobility aspect of it. The guy on the website reminds me a transformer for some reason, I feel like he should fold up into a little car or something. But seriously, how creepy would it be if this was behind you on the street?




I propose a snuggie vs. selki battle. Contestants will have to do things like answer phones, read, drink tea and other challenges to test the mobility and durability. Any takers?



vs.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

Why does Facebook keep telling me to reconnect with my "friends"? Maybe I don't like poking people.

It's Official

We now have our first employee with H1N1. Let the germ dissemination begin.

UPDATE - i don't want to cause a panic here, Employee contracted the swine flu over the weekend and hasn't been to work since. So you all may be safe...for now...

In case you didn't know it

warning

Umm it REEKS of natural gas in the bathroom. Should I be concerned?

Dress for Success

We have a very casual work environment - think jeans and sweaters. Flip-flops. And I can recall a time where I swear I saw sweatpants. Today I wore a dress skirt and a button down and my boss asked me if I had a job interview. Really? That's sad (and a weird question, would I ever say yes?). It's similar to when I actually style my hair and and someone says "wow, you look really nice!" It should be a compliment but really it just reminds you how little effort you put in to your appearance. I blame you, cubicle. You made me this way. I'm hidden from my co-workers and therefor feel "dressing up" is a waste. Well also I don't make any money and can't afford clothes. Sigh. Perhaps tomorrow I'll wear an evening gown, really shake things up. It's about time we brought back the waistcoat in the workplace.

Does Anyone Know What Day It Is?

Things I Don't Want You to Tell Me:

It's Monday
Your weekend was too short
You can't believe it's already Monday again
You wish the weekend was longer
You dislike Mondays
You're exhausted from the weekend
Weekends are fun, Mondays are not
Tomorrow is Tuesday


(And yes, I know I say these things but I'm exempt from scorn)

Overheard at the Water Cooler

Is it bad that the best part of my day is the cheez-it break?

Overheard at the Water Cooler

from M.


I have to send you a HUGE thank you for teaching me how to erase my “cookies” and “history” because literally the most satisfying part of my work week is Friday afternoon when I make sure all my anti-The Man web sites are no longer listed in my browser. Good bye cookies/history! You nasty weasels, trying to sell me out at the first opportunity! I love my Monday morning clean slate. It’s pretty much awesome.

Bagel Club Fail

There is a note in the kitchen that says "bagel ETA 9:30 - Sorry for the inconvenience."

I hope I don't have to face a moral dilemma when I see this person getting beat up in the parking lot and I turn away and pretend I didn't see it. Doesn't he remember the rules of bagel club?!? I can't save him now, nothing can save him. Well, except maybe a box of Halloween munchkins. People love those.

Finally, A Day Where I Get to Pretend All Children Are Adorable

Today is the office Halloween party. Now, I’ve been here a few years so I’ve seen a few of these parties. Basically what happens is around 4:30 everyone puts a bowl of candy outside their cube and people bring in their children all dressed up and take them tick-or-treating around the office. Then we all get to ohh and ahhh over how cute everyone’s kids are and I try to make small talk with a five year old who looks at me like I’m going to kill him.

Me: I like your costume
Kid: (staring with big eyes)
Me: Did your mom help you with that (mom smiles)
Kid: (staring with big eyes)
Me: Well, here have some candy (shoving it in child’s face)

Then I get uncomfortable and wait for the kid to work up the courage to take some candy and leave so someone else can bring their child over and we can do this all again. I don’t have children, in case you couldn’t tell. There is of course always the awkward moment when someone has a kid that isn’t cute. I mean sure I’ll say they look adorable but secretly I’m thinking, “wow I feel bad for you I hope I never have a kid like that who just is neither cute nor precious”. But of course we all know I will have very unfortunate looking children one day because I write blog articles like this. At any rate, this excitement usually comes to an end when the boss’s children arrive and come running through the office not wearing costumes and dumping all the candy in pillow cases. It’s a really good time. After that we can all hang out near the kitchen for some pizza.


Now the thing that has always made me REALLY uncomfortable is the parents (aka my co-workers) who dress up. I mean, it’s one thing to see a four year old in spandex with a cape as superman but it’s entirely another to see a forty year man I sit in meetings with dressed that way (and yes I’m having a flashback to last year). After years of feeling uncomfortable I JUST found out a very pertinent piece of information

Me: It’s always so weird when employees dress-up
Co-worker: right, well they want to win the prize
Me: there is a PRIZE??
Co-worker: they give a gift certificate to the employee with the best costume
Me: Wow, I guess that makes a lot more sense
Co-worker: yeah, but they are not doing that this year anymore. The prizes have been revoked

So, to any of you co-workers who come dressed up: I thought you were creepy but I was kind of wrong i guess because there was a purpose (although still lame) but now there is no longer a purpose so if you choose to dress up this year I will be justified in thinking you are creepy.

re-re boo

SO I re-boo'd my candy (as I said I would) and when I came in this morning I noticed the person I re-boo'd it to had re-boo'd the same candy to someone else. Clearly nobody has much patience or enthusiasm for the game.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

Since when does being a celebrity mean you should create your own fragrance?

I've Been Boo'd

This morning when I got to work there was a a box of gummy candy and a paper on my desk that said: "you've been boo'd." After a very long Halloween poem there were instructions:
1. Enjoy the treats
2. place the you've been boo'd sign on you door (i assume they mean cube)
3. Now you have 24 hours to make 2 copies of the paper and make 2 treats
4. Secretly deliver to 2 friends who haven't been boo'd
5. Now watch how far this spreads by Halloween!

In case you are confused, no I'm not six and no i don't work in an elementary school. This is my "professional" office. I'm not sure who boo'd me but they clearly don't me that well. I'm perfectly okay with being exempt from the office antics and not having to run out and buy candy. I mean, I'm obviously going to re-boo the candy I was given. You know, I used to hate my job but now that we have a wacky prank going around I feel pretty content. Who needs a decent salary when you could a clip art picture of a ghost?


Here's an excerpt from the poem

The air is cool the season fall
Soon Halloween will come to all
The spirits are after things to do
In fact, a spirit brought this to you
"Boo" is a shield from the witching hour
Just hang it up and watch its power

and then it goes on and on and on and on....

A Case of the Mondays

I find it extremely frustrating when I hit traffic on the Mass pike.
Technically, I paid extra to sit in that slow crawl.

Mayday, Mayday

I just found out we will be doing a company dinner cruise at our sales meeting. Some people say fun, I say stuck on a boat with co-workers. I’m going to try and smuggle on an inflatable boat so I can have an exit strategy back to shore.

Actually now I think of it, I participated in a mandatory company cocktail cruise with a previous company. We were given drink tickets when we boarded and that was supposed to ensure everyone had 2 drinks and remained slightly buzzed and cheerful without being out of control. However, someone left the roll of tickets sitting on a table so everyone just went to town and drank as much as possible as fast as they could. As you can imagine it all went downhill from there. I don't entirely remember the evening but I do recall some sort of team dance-off to a NKOTB medley. I think someone started saying "what happens on the boat stays on the boat" and we believed him so there was a lot of sloppy groping and inappropriate comments that seemed funny at the time and horrible when you woke up the next morning. Somebody may or may not have thrown up over the side and that person may or not have been my boss. What I do distinctly remember is the hangover I had the next day while making my way back to office to face my sullied co-workers. I would say that a certain amount of respect was left on the boat that day.

So yes, I'm very excited for the upcoming cruise.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

I wonder if it makes people uncomfortable that I always take off my shoes at my desk. I don't care, i just wonder.

FWD: office kitchen notes

I received the "office kitchen notes" forward from a few people so I figure I should post a few. I'm honestly surprised I did not find these here.

ThankSSSSS for Playing

I’ve had a few people ask me, and no I did not get my “S” in the subway scrabble game. I even had people looking for me, I told them they could come with me on the fabulous island vacation in an undisclosed location if they provided the “S.” Nothing. And the thing that really kills me is that I think I’m the only loser who actually went online and entered letters and played the scrabble game. I mean, who else has that kind of time on their hands?

Well, little C. told me yesterday that he actually put an ad on craigslist for me looking for the elusive subway S but didn’t get any responses. (which is by the way completely genius and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it). Apparently the S never comes up and people were selling them on eBay for, like, e$5,000. I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. This means I’m not the only loser looking for a distraction in life but it also means I basically got played by Subway because I was never going to win. Well, I least I still have the cube.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

I just received this email from HR, it was sent to the whole building.


Subject: Vial of Medicine

A small vial of prescription medicine in a brown bottle was found outside the entrance door to the building. If this might be belong to you, please see me.



Something about this just feels so wrong...

The first rule of bagel club, do not talk about bagel club.

We have a thing in this office called bagel club where you join and then everyone has to take turns bringing in bagels for everyone in the club on Fridays. Basically when new people start they get an email enticing them to join.

“Heyyy, we all take turns bringing in bagels for one another on Fridays. Some people even go the extra mile and bring munchkins, too. It’s really fun! Who doesn’t love bagels? Everyone loves bagels!” So people get hoodwinked and join the club thinking it’s all flowers and rainbows, but it’s not. There is a very dark side to bagel club. If its your turn and you don’t deliver the bagels for some reason everyone goes MENTAL.

Once Y. called in sick on his bagel day and told everyone he was sorry and would bring them on Monday but it was too late, they all turned on him and ostracized him from the group and he eventually had to quit. (bagel club, not his job) S. showed up on her bagel day without the goods once and was sent out immediately to “make it right.”

Bagel club is a lot of pressure so I dropped out long ago. If I want a bagel, I will stop and get myself a personal bagel. Ok, ok – today I stole a rogue bagel that was left in the kitchen. They just smell so good…

Add Some Flair!

(from J.)

This morning we had a meeting to discuss new initiatives to gain membership and most of what we will be doing is really mindless and basically requires us to be on auto-pilot. So, I commented that it all seemed very automated and that we didn't really have to do much thinking to accomplish what they wanted, to which I was told, "well, you can do things to the spreadsheets you send out. Add the company logo or colors!"

Really? I am a monkey pushing buttons but hey, I can pick the color scheme for the spreadsheets I send out. Wowee zowee that is great. Is there an emoticon to show your soul being drained from your body?

My Kid Made the Honor Roll

I abhor bumper stickers. I do not want to know about your beliefs and political views, especially not conveyed by a catchphrase. Why do you feel the need to tell me your car climbed Mount Washington? I really don’t care. In fact, when I’m sitting in traffic stuck behind a car that is plastered with stickers it really just makes me want to rear-end it. It just feels like you’re yelling at me and frankly, I don’t deserve it. Listen I want peace as much as the next person, sorry I don’t shout it from the roof top like you. Why don't you just get down off your soap box and drive.

These are some of my least favorite ( I could only pick a few, they really are all terrible):










And just remember, elections come and go but bumper stickers are forever.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

"We just ran out of toilet paper in the second floor bathrooms. I have to cut back on my water intake for the rest of the day because it’s such a pain in the ass to have to keep going down to the first floor."




UPDATE: People must be getting annoyed by the whole going-to-the-first-floor-for-toilet-paper because this was seen in the downstairs bathroom:



let's try to use our anger in a constructive way.

I Think You’ve Got a Screw Loose

I got my original, fixed computer back last week and this morning I went to turn on my computer and there was loud beeping all this error press F1 followed by more beeping. I called IT Guy and almost completely lost my shit because I mean REALLY with all of this? So IT Guy came down and looked at and said, “Oh yeah, they forgot to put the screws back in on the bottom” and fixed it. Talk about a screw loose…
Technology: 3
HumansInCages: 0

Traffic Alert

Because cars don't cause enough problems...This was found on Boston.com (thanks R.)

Animal Walk will affect traffic tonight

The Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus is in town and is having its annual Animal Walk tonight. Traffic delays can be expected.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

If everyone always thinks the weekend was too short, can’t the world just come together on this and get behind a 4-day work week?

Things I Do at Work While Bored

Check personal email
Check Facebook
Check Twitter
Read “news” on MSN
Read blogs and find ridiculous articles
Check personal email
Read real news
Stop in people’s cubes to ask them if they are bored
Talk on gchat
Check personal email
Read missed connections on craigslist
find funny youtube videos of animals
Blog
Make Lists

I Wish I Was Kidding

The power just went out; our computers and lights are running on generators but email is not working but we’re not allowed to leave. I would really, really like for this week to be over already.

Finally, Someone Said It

Today I came across respectyourpet.com.

Their mission

To uncover those who mistreat and humiliate their pets. We need your help in identifying those who have yet to properly care for Gods creatures. If you have any information leading to the identification of the following post, please comment or Email . We also welcome photo submissions of animal mistreatment and will do our best to expose those violators and educate our readers on proper care.

I’m not sure if this is real or sarcastic (I’m keeping my fingers crossed it’s the latter) but either way it’s amusing. This is one of the examples they use:




I totally feel this. It’s cruel and unusual punishment to make your pet look like an asshole just to amuse yourself.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

I just saw that the state elevator permit for the building has been expired for a year. I feel safe.

Roadside Assistance

This morning I got up early, got ready for work, went to start my car, and heard clicking sounds. Crap. Crapcrapcrapcrap. Yes, my car wouldn’t start. So I called AAA and begged for roadside assistance and then sat in my car waiting for the truck to arrive. I was rather bored while I waited so I tried calling a few people who all said: mmm yeah that sucks, well I have to go get ready for work now.

So 37 minutes later the AAA guy arrived and we popped the hood and saw what looked like a chia pet growing on my battery. He explained this was not a whimsical plant but rather corrosion and it’s “the worst he’s ever seen.” Oh good, that’s exactly what I was hoping he’d say. As we stood there it started pouring rain (I know, so cliché) and we stood in the rain discussed my options and decided that the best thing to do is tow it to the closest dealership and get a new battery.

AAA guy and I have a delightful ride over where I learned that he is engaged and the wedding is in less than a month so they are crazy with last minute details. They are planning on honeymooning in Vegas; they got a deal (through AAA) and got flights, 7 nights in a hotel, a rental car, and vouchers for 4 shows for $1400 all together for the two of them. He said it was too good of a deal to pass up, I agreed, and then we discussed the merits of cirque de soleil.

By the time we arrived at the dealership I was in rather good spirits so I wasn’t even that upset when the guy in the service department told me I needed a new battery and my warranty had expired SIX DAYS AGO. Meaning if I had looked under the hood a week ago it would have been free but today would cost $150. In the general scheme of car money this isn’t so bad though (see what a positive attitude I have) so nodded and headed to the “lounge” area where sat drinking free vending machine coffee (which is delicious, it really is) and watching Ellen and The View. Three hours later I got my car back and headed to work, finally arrive around noon.


In case anyone is keeping track this week it’s
Technology: 2 (computer, car)
HumansInCages: 0.

Did You Check Under Obvious?

sent to me by K. - an actual conversation she had at work

K.: Hey there, my name was not on the rooming list for the conference
Co-worker: Did you look under your name?
K.: I am not an idiot

Is That a Promise?

The dove promises chocolate says:

Believe in yourself.

Thanks for that inspirational pep talk. I can now face the day.

Dealing With Addiction

Today we ran out of caffeine. Again. Normally there is really horrible coffee and Lipton’s brisk caffeinated tea. Today there are a few stray decaf tea bags floating around. This is the second time this has happened in a month. My eyes are crossing and my hands are shaking and I might actually bite the head off of the next person to ask me a question. Needless to say, there will be no witty, lighthearted blog posts today.

Counting down the minutes to lunch and breaking out of the cage for a caffeinated beverage…



Ohhh, look at you there all delicious and full of that sweet, sweet caffeine. Remember all the good times we had together? All the times where I didn’t think I’d make it through the day but you, you were the one who pulled me through and helped me stay alert and awake, chipper even! In the beginning things were so happy, but then…you made me this way, you knew what you were doing, didn’t you? You knew I wouldn’t be able to live without you- it’s all your fault! You ruined me! Wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Please come back. I will always think of you fondly, until we meet again…

Overheard at the Water Cooler

Woman 1: I met your friend Michelle while I was in Chicago
Woman 2: Oh yes, she’s delightful isn’t she?



Wow, I wonder if anyone would ever describe me as delightful…

HumansInCages is Not Responding Right Now

This stupid, letter-less computer is getting on my last nerve. Listen, I don’t want to work but I figure I’m at work and getting paid (sort of, I think my salary is like getting paid in monopoly money) so I should try and get something done. However, this computer is making it impossible for me to be productive.

Every time I try to reply to an email the whole thing freaks out and windows start minimizing and then popping up and then going blank and then outlook says “not responding.” So then I have to close it out and it says, this program is not responding, would you like to end now? Yes, stupid computer, you have given me not other choice but to close outlook once again and then reopen and then once again try and respond to an email that, let’s be honest, wasn’t really worth it to begin with. Then of course there’s that whole, “this mailbox was not closed properly and is now being checked for problems” window that comes up when I try to reopen. I know it wasn’t closed properly; I could not close it properly because it was NOT RESPONDING.

I mean, this post alone took twice as long as it should have but I have my priorities straight so even in the face of adversity HIC was updated. Here’s a crazy idea, what if I stop responding until I get a computer that works? I can put that as my out of office: “HumansInCages is not responding right now, would you like to fix this computer?”

Just a Thought

When I'm driving to work and I get behind someone who's driving too slow I tail them. I'm an asshole but it's called RUSH hour. Go. Faster.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

from L.

As I was heating up my Pad Thai for lunch, someone said to me: “You know that heating something up in the microwave with peanuts could kill someone in this office, right? Really painful death.”

The Great Crash of '09

2 weeks ago I tried to start my laptop and something about a fatal error flashed across the screen. So I contacted IT and had them do what they do and they said, “yeah this is broken.” Oh, ok. Cool. After some more intense observation IT guy came back and said-
IT guy: Does your computer get hot, like really really hot?
Me: Well yes. Both my computer and I are pretty hot (ziiing – and no I didn’t really say that). Yes, the computer gets hot.
IT guy: Hmmm yeah it’s this model. It overheats and then blows out the hard drive. It happens to all the computers we have of this model. We really need to replace them.
Me: I’m getting a bright, shinny, new computer?!
IT guy: Oh, no. I’ll give you a loaner laptop to use while we fix the hard drive on this.
Me: Oh

So after testing out 3 computers that were all too slow they settled on the fastest of the slowest and gave me that one to use. As an added bonus, about half the letters on the keyboard have been rubbed off so I sort of feel like I’m proving I can type every time I use it. So this computer lasted about a week and then IT guy came in with my newly repaired laptop that seemed exactly the same except of course it turned on and worked and all that. Lovely. I thought that was the last of it but 2 days later IT guy called and asked me -
IT guy: Is your computer still getting hot?
Me: That’s what she said….Yeah, not as hot as before, but warm. Like on a scale of 1 to 10, one being cold and ten on fire-
IT guy: Okay yeah. I thought that would happen
Me: I thought you fixed it?
IT guy: Well, we fixed it for now, but I’m certain it will break again. We replaced the hard drive but it’s this model, it overheats
Me: Oh. Hmm, do you think maybe they should just get rid of it and get a new computer?
IT guy: Yeah, I do
Me: Sooo
IT guy: Oh but yeah they won’t do that
Me: Oh

So after that enlightening conversation we both went back to work. Then today IT guy came back to install something or fix something else or I don’t know what but he told me it would be quick.
IT guy: Ohhhhh nooooo Crap. I’m sorry
Me: Ummm
IT guy: Yeah, something just broke. We’re going to have to look at this, I’m sorry.
Me: Don’t you think we should just throw this away and get a bright, shinny, new computer?
IT guy: Yeah, but that’s not going to happen

So I’m back on the laptop with the letters rubbed off waiting to hear how the surgery goes, I hope little laptop pulls through. I really feel bad for IT guy though because if my job sucks how much does HIS job sucks that he has to fix things that he is positive will break again no matter what. I think that’s what is known as an exercise in futility.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

I do not understand the appeal of John Mayer. Why is he always coming up on Pandora, why do so many people follow him on twitter and most of all why do all these good looking celebrities date him and obsess about him?

Cubes!

I’m thinking about pitching a new show to MTV. It will be similar to Cribs! and it will be called “Cubes!” I’ll take a camera crew around from cube to cube and show them all the crazy, pimped out sh$t people put up on their cube walls and collect at their desk. I’ll be all edgy like, “hellz ya, look at that killer poster of a cat clinging to the wall saying ‘hang in there’. Totally badass. Check out this completely original, hand made, one of a kind calendar of sunsets. Or look, here are sweet vintage collectables like pez dispensers and magic eight balls.” People will finally have an opportunity to show off all the “funny” mugs and 8 million photographs of their weddings and children framed on the desk. I mean, why are platinum records and huge TVs more interesting than say, oversized plants and year old birthday cards?

Don’t worry though, I have a backup. If MTV isn’t really feeling it, I’ll pull out the secret weapon: cube names. Every one of my office mates will be given a handle by which they will be referred to for the rest of the show. Here’s what I have so far:
constant chatter, nail clipper, personal calls, crazy eyes, and sweatpants.

I mean watching annoying celebrities who get paid too much show you how they are squandering away their money on useless, expensive crap is cool and all, but let’s bring it back down to the little guy. So MTV, are you in?

Just a Thought

If you made something smelly and disgusting for dinner, don’t bring the leftovers to work. Don’t reheat it in the communal microwave and don’t sit at your desk and eat it, letting the smell waft through the office. Also, don’t bring tuna fish. Ever.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

So, I’m following Rose McGowan on twitter but I’m thinking of blocking her because all she does is retweet Alyssa Milano’s tweets. If I wanted to know what Alyssa Milano had to say, I’d follow her.

Hair Today...

You know how it can be when you get bored and read some article you find online, which then leads you to something else, and so on and so on. Well, I was falling down that rabbit hole just now and I landed here on Kitty Wigs! The book!

I’ll allow you to go to the site and peruse on your own, but first here is my favorite.


This is bashful blond. I feel like she connected with the photographer and was able to really master blue steal. I just hope she doesn't get too full of herself with her career taking off like this and become just another starlett in rehab.

Mission: Could be Possible

I need someone in the office to spy on The Temp for me. Every time I ask my boss if The Temp can help with a project she says no. No? Really, no? Why not?? What is The Temp doing over there? Is the The Temp soooo busy, or does TT have sooo many projects with tight deadlines that TT can’t help with something that would take 45 minutes? WHY NOT, WHAT DOES THE TEMP DO ALL DAY THAT IS SO TIME CONSUMING?

The Sky is Falling, the Sky is Falling…

I cannot believe it but I forgot to write about the day the ceiling fell at work. About a month ago people were busily working way, okay checking status updates, in their cubes when all the sudden the ceiling just fell down on top of unsuspecting employees.

(actual photo - no photoshop needed)

I know what you’re thinking: must be foul play. Who specifically was hit and more importantly who did they piss off? Or better, is this the new way to get fired? We’re actually part of some sick and twisted reality show and if the ceiling falls on your desk then you must pack your knives and go?

Since I’m already pretty suspicious of almost everyone in my office (and especially you, HR woman) I decided to lay low and see what happened next. Well, they left the employees to sweep up the debris and “put a call into the building manager” which is another way of saying, sorry, not my problem. The building manager did come eventually and people would look at the holes and then mumble something about getting a guy, and then that guy would come and say so-and-so needed to do this, and then eventually people were working on it and banging loudly all day every day. The other unfortunate side effect of all this was somehow it made the whole office freezing. I don’t quite understand the logistics but it could be another aspect of the reality show, a sort of endurance test.

Then one day I realized I could feel my fingers again and the constant ringing in my ears had stopped and I looked up and the ceiling was fixed. It must be nice to have a job where you accomplish things and can set attainable goals. To Do: Fix Ceiling. I’ve just completed my list. So anyway order was restored and everyone went back to gchatting and lived happily ever after. Until next time…

Overheard at the Water Cooler

Ok, this is actually more like found in my in-box but I couldn't resist. Thanks j.

Do you remember the song "no Pigeons"? - heard it on back in the day @ noon courtesy of jam'n [radio station]. Followed by Back that A$$ Up. I almost had a dance party in my cube, but I am not wearing my booty shorts today, so it didn't seem right. Too bad it's not Casual Wednesday.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

How long do we have to wait before Miley pulls a Britney and shaves her head?

H1N1: It’s all the Rage OR Swine Flu Sends Office Hog Wild

Apparently the people in HR here are convinced that someone is going to contract the swine flu (I’m sorry, H1N1) and infect everyone and it will be a major meltdown. Things started off slowly, first there were the signs about washing your hands in the bathroom. That wasn’t enough though, because the new tactic is instilling fear. All of the sudden there are signs everywhere in the office that look like this:



They are on the refrigerator, next to the water cooler, in the hallways – nobody is safe. I’m patiently waiting for the day when we are given those little masks when we walk through the doors.

Here’s the thing though, every time I see those signs I just want to get back in my car, drive all the way home and call into the office and say: (cough, cough) it feels like I have a cold AND flu symptoms, I can’t come in today.

I'm going to go ahead and say that people do a pretty good job panicking on their own and we don’t really need HR to help it along. Oh, and in case you were wondering the reason we are having flu vaccines in the office today (right now in fact) is so everyone can get them out of the way early and be ready to go when the H1N1 vaccine is ready. We can’t get normal running water but we will beat this outbreak, damn it.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

Someone in the other office just forwarded me an email they got saying -

Subject: "Cold water in the building is coming out brown!"
body: Hot water for hands and cups should be o.k...

Overheard at the Water Cooler

Guy: I have a question for you
Girl: Ok ?
Guy: If a chicken has an illness, do you think the eggs would taste funny?
Girl: I have no idea (walks away)
Guy: hmmm (looking puzzled)

again a shout out to little C., who might hear more weird stuff then I do.

Dove Wrapper Says What?

I’m adding a new segment. Since I’m bored and cranky at work I often eat the Dove chocolate promises. If you’ve ever had them you know they:
1. Are extremely delicious
2. Have little sayings inside the wrapper

The saying are ridiculous. Today’s was:
“Be a Dark Chocolate Diva just for a moment”

Now, I don’t want to be presumptuous but I don’t know many straight men who consider themselves divas. Dove, are you suggesting that mostly women (and gay men?) eat chocolate?? The nerve.

It's funny because it's true...

someecards always says it best

Triple Word Score

As my treat to myself for being stuck in a cage I get lunch at subway once a week. That’s right, I live dangerously. So I decided to own that and I’m now very involved in a game of subway scrabble. My winnings so far include: 2 cookies, with my next purchase. That’s right, FREE COOKIES. I mean, I can quit my job now! I’ve actually taken the game a step further and I’m collecting the game pieces and entering them online to try and win. (If the word “pathetic” just popped into your head, you’re not alone). However, I will have you know that I am one “S” from an island vacation. I don’t know what island or how long or how many people, but it’s an island vacation damn it. So if anyone out there is hoarding an S can you please send it my way, you know that you aren’t going to put in the effort and enter it online. Only crazy people do that. Maybe I’ll even take you with me…

ok, one last thing. I wasn't goign to admit this but I also entered a code on the honey bunches of oats box to see if I won a party in paradise yesterday. Things are getting bad in the cage.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

Dear Nickleback,
If i stop talking crap about you, will you stop making music? PLEASE?!

Update

alert...alert...alert

The door handle on the bathroom has been fixed. All is right with the world.

Just Another Awesome Day in the Life

Today, the handle broke off the door in the bathroom. This means you can’t get in or out. There are 3 floors in the office; each floor has a bathroom with exactly 2 stalls. This means on a good day for approximately 60 females there are six stalls. Now we’re down to four and things are getting ugly. We contacted the building manager and asked him to fix it and so far the solution has been to prop open the door with a wooden doorstop.


This way you can get in and out of the bathroom, and then there is the added bonus that everyone walking by can hear you peeing. I think the natives are starting to rebel though because in the downstairs bathroom (one of the “good” ones) there is toilet paper strewn everywhere, water all over the floor, and a line down the hall. This is not a fun nightclub; I don’t want to wait in line for the bathroom. Actually, I don’t want to wait in line at a nightclub either. But regardless if I’m waiting in line to use a crappy bathroom at work, I want a dance floor set up in the conference room.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

guy 1: the best coffee I've ever had was from Ethiopia
guy 2: oh yeah did you go there, where did you get it?
guy 1: Wisconsin

(thanks C for that one)

No, seriously??

Me: Can I have the temp help me with an email campaign?
Boss: Hmm, nooooo….
Me: ?
Boss: Well, the system we use to do the emails is really quirky and frustrating, don’t you think?
Me: Yes
Boss: Well, so it might be frustrating for her. And we don’t want the temp to get frustrated and quit, so you should do it yourself.

Seriously?

Why, all of the sudden, is there a sign in the bathroom saying “did you wash your hands” (with a picture of hands and some really cute scrubba bubbles)? Is this a problem, do people need to be reminded?

Show and Tell, Corporate Style

A girl I used to work with (that’s right she up and quit) once told me a story about her prior place of employment (she sounds so fickle doesn’t she, moving jobs so often). She said that they had a company newsletter which included a “share your story” section. Employees were asked to send inspiration success stories so that others could read them and feel good about themselves and the company. It made me nauseated. I mean really, not only do I have to feign niceness to everyone’s face but I now I have to write a story for you all, too? No thanks. I do have to admit though that by “sharing her story” this ex-employee did make me feel better about my job, because I don’t have to share my story with anyone.

Fast forward 6 months. I have to share my story. I have a team meeting once a week and it’s now a requirement that we go around the room and say what cool, fun, interesting, exciting, earth-shattering, ground breaking things we are working on. Wait, are you asking me to tell you what I do every say (besides this blog)? Super.

This is how the meetings have been going:
Person 1: Let’s see, this week I created fire. So that was Monday. Then I continued to spend the rest of the week saving the planet from evil destruction. Oh, and cured cancer in the meantime.
Person 2: Ididalotthisweekiwasverybusyididalottherewasallthistuffididbusybusybusy (some people don’t like to talk in front of groups).
Person 3: Wow! This week was so totally amazing. I had a super fun time working with all my team members to further my ultimate goal and make a really positive impact on the company. !!
Person 4: Ummmmm, let’s seee, ok so thisssss week I mvaeipfjmibhihiehi (slow talker)

You get the idea. There are 13 people on the team and last week the meeting took an HOUR AND A HALF. I hope by sharing this story you all feel empowered to never share yours.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

Whatever happened to Popples?

A Fan of Becoming a Fan

When you’re stuck in a cage all day you have to find small, mindless tasks to amuse and distract yourself. One of those ways is this blog, and a more popular way is checking face book obsessively every 3 minutes, waiting for people to status update. My favorite thing is when someone who doesn’t update often posts something, because I sort of forgot they were my friend and that reminds me to go to their profile and check every single one of their pictures and read all their info and infer things about theirs lives even though we probably haven’t spoken in years.

Actually, I lied. My favorite thing is when one of these stalking adventures leads me to someone else who HAS A PUBLIC PAGE. Finding a public page is like winning the lottery, both unexpected and exhilarating. When I find a public page of someone I knew once upon a time I get lost in the moment and have to pull myself away. Like right now...

But that’s not what all this is about. What this is about is the complete and utter abuse of fan pages. I mean really? 3 of your friends are fans of sleeping! 4 of your friends are fans of sunshine! 7 of your fans are friends of breathing! Why do poeple feed the need to become a fan of something obvious and necessary for our survival? And then I start to wonder about myself, how did I become friends with these people? Apparently I’m a fan of becoming friends with unoriginal and easy amused people. Seriously, you need to tell everyone that you’re a fan of I hate Douchebags? That’s so weird because I looove douchebags. Oh, and to those 3 people (you know who you are), God does not need a fan page.
Humans in Cages likes this.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

If my flip flops have rhinestones on them, does that make them work appropriate?

The Mystery of the Aerosol Glue

Warning: This story may contain information or images that could be frightening.


In order to make posters, which we do frequently here, we use a product called spray mount which is basically aerosol glue. At any given time our designers might have 15 to 20 cans in his office.



One dark and stormy morning, we came in and all the cans were gone. Missing overnight. An email was sent to the team.
Designer: Did anyone take the spray mount? All of the cans are gone.
One by one, people replied: no.
Where did they go then, they couldn’t just get up and walk away? Did we have a thief on our hands? At that moment, I got up and opened the door to my office. Lightning lit the hallway and standing there I saw them, the CEOs two young boys, arms full with spray mount cans. They looked at me with a gleam in their eye and took off running. I ran into the designers office and threw open the door. “I have cracked the case! I know who the culprits are!” I relayed my story to the designer who nodded and smiled. Alas, this information was no help as these were the children of the CEO and they basically owned us. They were in control. We wondered aloud what they could possibly be doing, surmised that they were probably huffing and dropped the issue.

Three days later I was skipping down the hallway and singing to myself when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I slowed down and walked over to the dark corner in the back of the building and that’s when I saw it - them. There they were, rows and rows of stuffed animals all glued into oblivion and left to rot in their pet cemetery. The boys had not been huffing the glue after all; they had been using it to glue all of their stuffed animals that were now just a mess of tufts of fur and ears sticking out. I stifled and scream and backed away from the graveyard. I numbly went and told the designer. We agreed that some things just should not be messed with and the stuffed animals were too far gone, we couldn’t save them. We left them there and never said a word to anyone or went back to visit the site. I can only hope they did not suffer. And hey, at least the boys weren’t huffing.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

Why do we have to keep pretending that twitter is useful?

This Just Makes Me Sad

Wow, super fun ways to add flora and fuana to the cage:

MSN Article

When I think of summer, I often dream of lounging barefoot in my front yard with a good book or great friends nearby. To recreate the summer sensation of a beautiful front yard with the grass between my toes, I decided to bring my yard to my desk. Because real grass is unsuitable and astro-turf only reminds me of a putting green, I discovered DreamTurf to cover the floor of my cubicle. Their synthetic turf looks and feels like real grass, but with no watering, fertilizing, or mowing required!

Countdown to fun? Astroturf in the cube?? A "garden" on my desk??? I'm not making this up, this was a featured story on MSN.
MSN Article

Overheard at the Water Cooler

"I should not know more about her intestines then I do my own."

Umm, Pandora? How do I tell you this…

I really love that I can listen to music at work. I’m not even being facetious; it actually makes me very happy. I used to moonlight as a sales rep where that wasn’t really an option, what with being on the phone all the time, and this is one of the The Little Things I have not taken for granted.

My platform of choice is Pandora (I mean, no of course I don’t listen to streaming music at work!). I can tell them what I like and they just spit out songs like it, I mean how genius! When a song comes on I hate I have no qualms about giving it the major thumbs down, I even feel satisfaction in it. “There, Pandora, I dare you to play that artist again. See how fast I thumbs down it.”

Recently though I’ve noticed something. When a song comes on I used to like but I’ve gotten sick of, or I think I should like, I feel like I can’t say no. I’ll skip through it and hover my mouse over the menacing thumb down but the guilt takes over and I leave it alone. Oh, Dave Matthews, we shared so many good times in high school. Remember when we got so drunk at that party when Kathy’s parents were away? Or, hey –it’s Coldplay! I mean, everyone loves Coldplay! What’s not to love about Coldplay? The truth is, I’m so sick of Dave Matthews and I really don’t love Coldplay. It was so easy turning on Jack Jackson and his bubbly toes, why can’t I let go of Smashing Pumpkins? Pandora, why am I so scared to tell you that? You’ve never judged me before; you always make it so easy and just do the things I like. I'm just afraid you won't love or respect me any more, and I can't live with that. You mean so much to me. So until I come to peace with myself, we’re both stuck with Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Just a Thought

Your bicycle in not faster than my car so stop cutting me off.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

If I walk around the parking lot at lunch, does that take the place of going to the gym?

The Kitchen is Stressful (especially in the morning)

Ok so here’s the thing, I like to have coffee and breakfast at work when I get in. I know I could do this at home in the privacy of my own apartment but due to The Dreaded Commute it seems best that I make every effort just to get to the office and then I can worry about the rest of it.

So every morning I get in, turn on my computer and go to the kitchen for coffee. PEOPLE IN MY OFFICE: please let me explain something to you. I enter the kitchen to make coffee and it’s VERY, VERY difficult to talk to any of you without consuming coffee. This is where being invisible would be very helpful. I try to get in and out with the least amount of human interaction but inevitably, this happens:

Me: (pouring coffee)
Person Standing There: Hiiii!! How are you??
Me: Fine. You?
Person Standing There: Goooood, good. Gosh this weather is so crazy, right? I mean, it’s soooo hot out there
Me: Yeah, I know
PST: I think it might rain later. Did you hear that? Did you hear if it was going to rain or not later?
Me: Um, I’m not sure. (Looking out the window) it does look like it might rain.
PST: Ugh yeah. Ugh, I hate rain.
Me: (reaching behind PST for milk) ‘scuse me.
PST: Oops! Sorry! So, did you see that email yesterday about alkmvlzxckmoksdhgiowhnvhivokerngi (I’m sure those were real words, it’s just that I hadn’t had COFFEE yet so I can’t UNDERSTAND them).
Me: ummm
PST: I mean, crazy right?
Me :Crazy (backing away slowly towards door). Ok, well have a good day!
PST: Yeahhh, yeah you too!!

Don’t even get me started on the scene around lunchtime.

The Dreaded Commute

So, I live in Boston and my office is located inconveniently in a suburb about 45 minutes away. This means a lot of quality time in the car signing to radio and talking to myself. Occasionally, the commute becomes extended because I get stuck behind a tractor. Yes, an f-ing tractor.

Today, the commute became extended because I got stuck behind a school bus. Now, I don’t mean to date myself and be all, when I went to school we walked five miles without shoes, but I did walk to the end of my lengthy street to the stop where all the kids on the in the neighborhood waited together. This is not the case anymore and I really think we need to revisit the current bus route. The. Bus. Stops. Every. Two. Feet. I’m not even kidding. I’m talking 4 separate houses on a half mile street. I don’t think we’re giving these kids enough credit, I think if given the chance they would prove that they can, indeed, walk and chew gum at the same time. Of course, it only added to my annoyance that I had to wait for a boy to take his sweet time getting on the bus, walk all the way to the back and sit down and make faces at me through the window. Punk.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

"I don't think people apply for jobs in the summer, so we won't post the open positions until Fall"

The Company Softball Game: An Introduction

Every summer the company hosts an annual softball game and BBQ. They try and play it off like it’s a fun relaxing day to spend wonderful quality time with your co-workers. It’s not, I assure you.

At our meeting today a new manager at work, Jan, asked if we the marketing department would be competing, and suggested forming a marketing team. The can of worms was opened. We reluctantly informed her you cannot do this because there is, in fact, a draft. Captains are chosen and then there is a draft of everyone signed up to play. I know what you’re thinking, become a captain yourself and stack the teams but that’s why we have the commissioner to regulate. You heard me. So the teams are drafted and everyone shows up for the big day. Every year the HR department tries to convince the new people that this is a fun low-key event and those people sign up and end up leaving the game in tears, or worse a stretcher. In recent years I can recall a full on blow-out fight in the middle of the field over a mistake in the rules, the batting order sheet ripped up because it “wasn’t good enough”, a man 3 days away from retirement being taken away in a stretcher for knee surgery, and of course hysterics of lower-level employees who fear being fired over a missed out.

So one by one everyone informs Jan that no, they will not be playing. Except Gregg of course (Mr. Manshower), he’ll be representing. So Jan wants us to think of something peppy and “market” him if you will. Perhaps we should all wear matching t-shirts with Gooooooo Marketing! and other funny slogans. Or hats even, team M. But then we decide we don’t look good in t-shirts and hats mess up your hair. So maybe we should make signs like bizzar-o, out of shape, B-squad cheerleaders. Ding ding ding! I think we have a winner. The plans are really still in the beginning stages and the game is still a month away. More to come…

The Man Shower

Not too long ago, my boss got pregnant and we threw her a baby shower. It went exactly how you think it went. We got a cake and each had to contribute to the donation pool so that we could wrap up a gift card to target and a stuffed teddy bear we all ooh and ahhed at as she opened them. There was a balloon and (more) pizza and a lot of small talk about diapers and the joys of children. It was…fine. Perfectly adequate.

So, a few weeks later we realize that Gregg, one of the guys in the department, has a wife expecting and we haven’t done anything. Well, that’s set the busybody Tiffany into action to put together THE MAN SHOWER. The outlook meeting request just said man shower with a winking emoticon and since I’ve never been to one, I wasn’t sure what to expect. It turns out, it consists of a donation to the gift pool for a gift card and a teddy bear, some cake, (even more) pizza, and maybe a balloon. Now, I may not be the most observant, but this looked suspiciously similar to the baby shower. No beer or chicken wings like I had envisioned, in fact one woman came over to me and had the same conversation about diapers and the joy of children. What a sham. Man shower indeed.

Required “Fun” Lunch

So, today I got a meeting request for a “fun” lunch to celebrate the recent reorganization of my department. Just to get you up to speed, the reorganization went something like this:
1. Write down what everyone already does
2. Review this list and then move people into teams without changing their actual job duties or titles
3. Give everyone a new desk and/or boss without changing job duties or responsibilities
Reorganization Complete!
That sounded fun, didn’t it?

So anyway, this was clearly something worth celebrating so we were all invited to sit in a conference room and eat pizza during our normal lunch break. I don’t particularly enjoy being forced to cower in a conference room and make small talk with my colleagues at a time when I’m normally allowed to run free but I’m not going to be the one to blow the cover on this operation, so I went. It was fun.

When I got back to my desk I started to feel restless, since I didn’t get my normal 30 minutes running on the wheel that I usually require, and needed some fresh air. My office is in the suburbs with nothing to do so the options were to either drive around in my car and waste gas or stand in the parking lot. I wish there was a bench or something so I could sit outside, but since there isn’t I chose b. stand in the parking lot. As I was standing there it must have looked inviting because slowly but surely 3 of my co-workers came outside and stood in the parking lot with me. We shot the breeze for about 20 minutes and then went back inside to our cages, I mean cubes, and went back to typing away. The parking lot was most definitely the highlight of my day.

A Day in the Life

So, most of the time I actually have a lot to do at work but the main problem is the working is so boring and routine that I have to find ways to break up the day. I’ve learned to combat the monotony by breaking my day up into 6 segments. Here’s how a normal day goes:

Segment 1
Get to work close to on time. Turn on my computer and check my email. Don’t answer anything and go into the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast. Return to desk and eat breakfast while checking personal email. Once caffeine has taken effect, start to answer work emails. Become annoyed by an email and check facebook. Comment on a status update. Check gmail and chat with co-workers who sit less than 5 feet away from me. Return to work email and begin a project.

Segment 2
Eat a mid-morning snack (usually a granola bar). Walk over to other cages and chat with the inhabitants about their previous evening activities. Return to desk and check personal email and facebook. Check the top news stories. Return to work email and project.

Segment 3
Lunch

Segment 4
Do the majority of the work I will complete for the day before a string of unnecessary meetings begin. Attend meetings and look interested. Return to desk and check email.

Segment 5
Mid afternoon snack (see segment 2) – sometimes I feel a little crazy and visit the vending machine.

Segment 6
Hurry home so I can begin everything all over again in the morning.

Introduction

Who I am is not important. What I do is not really important either. The point is that I’m a mid-level employee who works at mid-sized company in an office space filled with cubes as far as the eye can see. I spend most of my days alternating between answering emails and finding other ways to amuse myself around the office. I don’t think my office is particular interesting or different but I do find the day day-to-dayness of it somewhat entertaining, in a weird out-of-body seriously are we doing this kind of way that I’m sure others an relate to. This is my story.