Overheard at the Water Cooler

from M.


I have to send you a HUGE thank you for teaching me how to erase my “cookies” and “history” because literally the most satisfying part of my work week is Friday afternoon when I make sure all my anti-The Man web sites are no longer listed in my browser. Good bye cookies/history! You nasty weasels, trying to sell me out at the first opportunity! I love my Monday morning clean slate. It’s pretty much awesome.

Bagel Club Fail

There is a note in the kitchen that says "bagel ETA 9:30 - Sorry for the inconvenience."

I hope I don't have to face a moral dilemma when I see this person getting beat up in the parking lot and I turn away and pretend I didn't see it. Doesn't he remember the rules of bagel club?!? I can't save him now, nothing can save him. Well, except maybe a box of Halloween munchkins. People love those.

Finally, A Day Where I Get to Pretend All Children Are Adorable

Today is the office Halloween party. Now, I’ve been here a few years so I’ve seen a few of these parties. Basically what happens is around 4:30 everyone puts a bowl of candy outside their cube and people bring in their children all dressed up and take them tick-or-treating around the office. Then we all get to ohh and ahhh over how cute everyone’s kids are and I try to make small talk with a five year old who looks at me like I’m going to kill him.

Me: I like your costume
Kid: (staring with big eyes)
Me: Did your mom help you with that (mom smiles)
Kid: (staring with big eyes)
Me: Well, here have some candy (shoving it in child’s face)

Then I get uncomfortable and wait for the kid to work up the courage to take some candy and leave so someone else can bring their child over and we can do this all again. I don’t have children, in case you couldn’t tell. There is of course always the awkward moment when someone has a kid that isn’t cute. I mean sure I’ll say they look adorable but secretly I’m thinking, “wow I feel bad for you I hope I never have a kid like that who just is neither cute nor precious”. But of course we all know I will have very unfortunate looking children one day because I write blog articles like this. At any rate, this excitement usually comes to an end when the boss’s children arrive and come running through the office not wearing costumes and dumping all the candy in pillow cases. It’s a really good time. After that we can all hang out near the kitchen for some pizza.


Now the thing that has always made me REALLY uncomfortable is the parents (aka my co-workers) who dress up. I mean, it’s one thing to see a four year old in spandex with a cape as superman but it’s entirely another to see a forty year man I sit in meetings with dressed that way (and yes I’m having a flashback to last year). After years of feeling uncomfortable I JUST found out a very pertinent piece of information

Me: It’s always so weird when employees dress-up
Co-worker: right, well they want to win the prize
Me: there is a PRIZE??
Co-worker: they give a gift certificate to the employee with the best costume
Me: Wow, I guess that makes a lot more sense
Co-worker: yeah, but they are not doing that this year anymore. The prizes have been revoked

So, to any of you co-workers who come dressed up: I thought you were creepy but I was kind of wrong i guess because there was a purpose (although still lame) but now there is no longer a purpose so if you choose to dress up this year I will be justified in thinking you are creepy.

re-re boo

SO I re-boo'd my candy (as I said I would) and when I came in this morning I noticed the person I re-boo'd it to had re-boo'd the same candy to someone else. Clearly nobody has much patience or enthusiasm for the game.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

Since when does being a celebrity mean you should create your own fragrance?

I've Been Boo'd

This morning when I got to work there was a a box of gummy candy and a paper on my desk that said: "you've been boo'd." After a very long Halloween poem there were instructions:
1. Enjoy the treats
2. place the you've been boo'd sign on you door (i assume they mean cube)
3. Now you have 24 hours to make 2 copies of the paper and make 2 treats
4. Secretly deliver to 2 friends who haven't been boo'd
5. Now watch how far this spreads by Halloween!

In case you are confused, no I'm not six and no i don't work in an elementary school. This is my "professional" office. I'm not sure who boo'd me but they clearly don't me that well. I'm perfectly okay with being exempt from the office antics and not having to run out and buy candy. I mean, I'm obviously going to re-boo the candy I was given. You know, I used to hate my job but now that we have a wacky prank going around I feel pretty content. Who needs a decent salary when you could a clip art picture of a ghost?


Here's an excerpt from the poem

The air is cool the season fall
Soon Halloween will come to all
The spirits are after things to do
In fact, a spirit brought this to you
"Boo" is a shield from the witching hour
Just hang it up and watch its power

and then it goes on and on and on and on....

A Case of the Mondays

I find it extremely frustrating when I hit traffic on the Mass pike.
Technically, I paid extra to sit in that slow crawl.

Mayday, Mayday

I just found out we will be doing a company dinner cruise at our sales meeting. Some people say fun, I say stuck on a boat with co-workers. I’m going to try and smuggle on an inflatable boat so I can have an exit strategy back to shore.

Actually now I think of it, I participated in a mandatory company cocktail cruise with a previous company. We were given drink tickets when we boarded and that was supposed to ensure everyone had 2 drinks and remained slightly buzzed and cheerful without being out of control. However, someone left the roll of tickets sitting on a table so everyone just went to town and drank as much as possible as fast as they could. As you can imagine it all went downhill from there. I don't entirely remember the evening but I do recall some sort of team dance-off to a NKOTB medley. I think someone started saying "what happens on the boat stays on the boat" and we believed him so there was a lot of sloppy groping and inappropriate comments that seemed funny at the time and horrible when you woke up the next morning. Somebody may or may not have thrown up over the side and that person may or not have been my boss. What I do distinctly remember is the hangover I had the next day while making my way back to office to face my sullied co-workers. I would say that a certain amount of respect was left on the boat that day.

So yes, I'm very excited for the upcoming cruise.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

I wonder if it makes people uncomfortable that I always take off my shoes at my desk. I don't care, i just wonder.

FWD: office kitchen notes

I received the "office kitchen notes" forward from a few people so I figure I should post a few. I'm honestly surprised I did not find these here.

ThankSSSSS for Playing

I’ve had a few people ask me, and no I did not get my “S” in the subway scrabble game. I even had people looking for me, I told them they could come with me on the fabulous island vacation in an undisclosed location if they provided the “S.” Nothing. And the thing that really kills me is that I think I’m the only loser who actually went online and entered letters and played the scrabble game. I mean, who else has that kind of time on their hands?

Well, little C. told me yesterday that he actually put an ad on craigslist for me looking for the elusive subway S but didn’t get any responses. (which is by the way completely genius and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it). Apparently the S never comes up and people were selling them on eBay for, like, e$5,000. I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. This means I’m not the only loser looking for a distraction in life but it also means I basically got played by Subway because I was never going to win. Well, I least I still have the cube.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

I just received this email from HR, it was sent to the whole building.


Subject: Vial of Medicine

A small vial of prescription medicine in a brown bottle was found outside the entrance door to the building. If this might be belong to you, please see me.



Something about this just feels so wrong...

The first rule of bagel club, do not talk about bagel club.

We have a thing in this office called bagel club where you join and then everyone has to take turns bringing in bagels for everyone in the club on Fridays. Basically when new people start they get an email enticing them to join.

“Heyyy, we all take turns bringing in bagels for one another on Fridays. Some people even go the extra mile and bring munchkins, too. It’s really fun! Who doesn’t love bagels? Everyone loves bagels!” So people get hoodwinked and join the club thinking it’s all flowers and rainbows, but it’s not. There is a very dark side to bagel club. If its your turn and you don’t deliver the bagels for some reason everyone goes MENTAL.

Once Y. called in sick on his bagel day and told everyone he was sorry and would bring them on Monday but it was too late, they all turned on him and ostracized him from the group and he eventually had to quit. (bagel club, not his job) S. showed up on her bagel day without the goods once and was sent out immediately to “make it right.”

Bagel club is a lot of pressure so I dropped out long ago. If I want a bagel, I will stop and get myself a personal bagel. Ok, ok – today I stole a rogue bagel that was left in the kitchen. They just smell so good…

Add Some Flair!

(from J.)

This morning we had a meeting to discuss new initiatives to gain membership and most of what we will be doing is really mindless and basically requires us to be on auto-pilot. So, I commented that it all seemed very automated and that we didn't really have to do much thinking to accomplish what they wanted, to which I was told, "well, you can do things to the spreadsheets you send out. Add the company logo or colors!"

Really? I am a monkey pushing buttons but hey, I can pick the color scheme for the spreadsheets I send out. Wowee zowee that is great. Is there an emoticon to show your soul being drained from your body?

My Kid Made the Honor Roll

I abhor bumper stickers. I do not want to know about your beliefs and political views, especially not conveyed by a catchphrase. Why do you feel the need to tell me your car climbed Mount Washington? I really don’t care. In fact, when I’m sitting in traffic stuck behind a car that is plastered with stickers it really just makes me want to rear-end it. It just feels like you’re yelling at me and frankly, I don’t deserve it. Listen I want peace as much as the next person, sorry I don’t shout it from the roof top like you. Why don't you just get down off your soap box and drive.

These are some of my least favorite ( I could only pick a few, they really are all terrible):










And just remember, elections come and go but bumper stickers are forever.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

"We just ran out of toilet paper in the second floor bathrooms. I have to cut back on my water intake for the rest of the day because it’s such a pain in the ass to have to keep going down to the first floor."




UPDATE: People must be getting annoyed by the whole going-to-the-first-floor-for-toilet-paper because this was seen in the downstairs bathroom:



let's try to use our anger in a constructive way.

I Think You’ve Got a Screw Loose

I got my original, fixed computer back last week and this morning I went to turn on my computer and there was loud beeping all this error press F1 followed by more beeping. I called IT Guy and almost completely lost my shit because I mean REALLY with all of this? So IT Guy came down and looked at and said, “Oh yeah, they forgot to put the screws back in on the bottom” and fixed it. Talk about a screw loose…
Technology: 3
HumansInCages: 0

Traffic Alert

Because cars don't cause enough problems...This was found on Boston.com (thanks R.)

Animal Walk will affect traffic tonight

The Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus is in town and is having its annual Animal Walk tonight. Traffic delays can be expected.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

If everyone always thinks the weekend was too short, can’t the world just come together on this and get behind a 4-day work week?

Things I Do at Work While Bored

Check personal email
Check Facebook
Check Twitter
Read “news” on MSN
Read blogs and find ridiculous articles
Check personal email
Read real news
Stop in people’s cubes to ask them if they are bored
Talk on gchat
Check personal email
Read missed connections on craigslist
find funny youtube videos of animals
Blog
Make Lists

I Wish I Was Kidding

The power just went out; our computers and lights are running on generators but email is not working but we’re not allowed to leave. I would really, really like for this week to be over already.

Finally, Someone Said It

Today I came across respectyourpet.com.

Their mission

To uncover those who mistreat and humiliate their pets. We need your help in identifying those who have yet to properly care for Gods creatures. If you have any information leading to the identification of the following post, please comment or Email . We also welcome photo submissions of animal mistreatment and will do our best to expose those violators and educate our readers on proper care.

I’m not sure if this is real or sarcastic (I’m keeping my fingers crossed it’s the latter) but either way it’s amusing. This is one of the examples they use:




I totally feel this. It’s cruel and unusual punishment to make your pet look like an asshole just to amuse yourself.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

I just saw that the state elevator permit for the building has been expired for a year. I feel safe.

Roadside Assistance

This morning I got up early, got ready for work, went to start my car, and heard clicking sounds. Crap. Crapcrapcrapcrap. Yes, my car wouldn’t start. So I called AAA and begged for roadside assistance and then sat in my car waiting for the truck to arrive. I was rather bored while I waited so I tried calling a few people who all said: mmm yeah that sucks, well I have to go get ready for work now.

So 37 minutes later the AAA guy arrived and we popped the hood and saw what looked like a chia pet growing on my battery. He explained this was not a whimsical plant but rather corrosion and it’s “the worst he’s ever seen.” Oh good, that’s exactly what I was hoping he’d say. As we stood there it started pouring rain (I know, so cliché) and we stood in the rain discussed my options and decided that the best thing to do is tow it to the closest dealership and get a new battery.

AAA guy and I have a delightful ride over where I learned that he is engaged and the wedding is in less than a month so they are crazy with last minute details. They are planning on honeymooning in Vegas; they got a deal (through AAA) and got flights, 7 nights in a hotel, a rental car, and vouchers for 4 shows for $1400 all together for the two of them. He said it was too good of a deal to pass up, I agreed, and then we discussed the merits of cirque de soleil.

By the time we arrived at the dealership I was in rather good spirits so I wasn’t even that upset when the guy in the service department told me I needed a new battery and my warranty had expired SIX DAYS AGO. Meaning if I had looked under the hood a week ago it would have been free but today would cost $150. In the general scheme of car money this isn’t so bad though (see what a positive attitude I have) so nodded and headed to the “lounge” area where sat drinking free vending machine coffee (which is delicious, it really is) and watching Ellen and The View. Three hours later I got my car back and headed to work, finally arrive around noon.


In case anyone is keeping track this week it’s
Technology: 2 (computer, car)
HumansInCages: 0.

Did You Check Under Obvious?

sent to me by K. - an actual conversation she had at work

K.: Hey there, my name was not on the rooming list for the conference
Co-worker: Did you look under your name?
K.: I am not an idiot

Is That a Promise?

The dove promises chocolate says:

Believe in yourself.

Thanks for that inspirational pep talk. I can now face the day.

Dealing With Addiction

Today we ran out of caffeine. Again. Normally there is really horrible coffee and Lipton’s brisk caffeinated tea. Today there are a few stray decaf tea bags floating around. This is the second time this has happened in a month. My eyes are crossing and my hands are shaking and I might actually bite the head off of the next person to ask me a question. Needless to say, there will be no witty, lighthearted blog posts today.

Counting down the minutes to lunch and breaking out of the cage for a caffeinated beverage…



Ohhh, look at you there all delicious and full of that sweet, sweet caffeine. Remember all the good times we had together? All the times where I didn’t think I’d make it through the day but you, you were the one who pulled me through and helped me stay alert and awake, chipper even! In the beginning things were so happy, but then…you made me this way, you knew what you were doing, didn’t you? You knew I wouldn’t be able to live without you- it’s all your fault! You ruined me! Wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Please come back. I will always think of you fondly, until we meet again…

Overheard at the Water Cooler

Woman 1: I met your friend Michelle while I was in Chicago
Woman 2: Oh yes, she’s delightful isn’t she?



Wow, I wonder if anyone would ever describe me as delightful…

HumansInCages is Not Responding Right Now

This stupid, letter-less computer is getting on my last nerve. Listen, I don’t want to work but I figure I’m at work and getting paid (sort of, I think my salary is like getting paid in monopoly money) so I should try and get something done. However, this computer is making it impossible for me to be productive.

Every time I try to reply to an email the whole thing freaks out and windows start minimizing and then popping up and then going blank and then outlook says “not responding.” So then I have to close it out and it says, this program is not responding, would you like to end now? Yes, stupid computer, you have given me not other choice but to close outlook once again and then reopen and then once again try and respond to an email that, let’s be honest, wasn’t really worth it to begin with. Then of course there’s that whole, “this mailbox was not closed properly and is now being checked for problems” window that comes up when I try to reopen. I know it wasn’t closed properly; I could not close it properly because it was NOT RESPONDING.

I mean, this post alone took twice as long as it should have but I have my priorities straight so even in the face of adversity HIC was updated. Here’s a crazy idea, what if I stop responding until I get a computer that works? I can put that as my out of office: “HumansInCages is not responding right now, would you like to fix this computer?”

Just a Thought

When I'm driving to work and I get behind someone who's driving too slow I tail them. I'm an asshole but it's called RUSH hour. Go. Faster.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

from L.

As I was heating up my Pad Thai for lunch, someone said to me: “You know that heating something up in the microwave with peanuts could kill someone in this office, right? Really painful death.”