The Great Crash of '09

2 weeks ago I tried to start my laptop and something about a fatal error flashed across the screen. So I contacted IT and had them do what they do and they said, “yeah this is broken.” Oh, ok. Cool. After some more intense observation IT guy came back and said-
IT guy: Does your computer get hot, like really really hot?
Me: Well yes. Both my computer and I are pretty hot (ziiing – and no I didn’t really say that). Yes, the computer gets hot.
IT guy: Hmmm yeah it’s this model. It overheats and then blows out the hard drive. It happens to all the computers we have of this model. We really need to replace them.
Me: I’m getting a bright, shinny, new computer?!
IT guy: Oh, no. I’ll give you a loaner laptop to use while we fix the hard drive on this.
Me: Oh

So after testing out 3 computers that were all too slow they settled on the fastest of the slowest and gave me that one to use. As an added bonus, about half the letters on the keyboard have been rubbed off so I sort of feel like I’m proving I can type every time I use it. So this computer lasted about a week and then IT guy came in with my newly repaired laptop that seemed exactly the same except of course it turned on and worked and all that. Lovely. I thought that was the last of it but 2 days later IT guy called and asked me -
IT guy: Is your computer still getting hot?
Me: That’s what she said….Yeah, not as hot as before, but warm. Like on a scale of 1 to 10, one being cold and ten on fire-
IT guy: Okay yeah. I thought that would happen
Me: I thought you fixed it?
IT guy: Well, we fixed it for now, but I’m certain it will break again. We replaced the hard drive but it’s this model, it overheats
Me: Oh. Hmm, do you think maybe they should just get rid of it and get a new computer?
IT guy: Yeah, I do
Me: Sooo
IT guy: Oh but yeah they won’t do that
Me: Oh

So after that enlightening conversation we both went back to work. Then today IT guy came back to install something or fix something else or I don’t know what but he told me it would be quick.
IT guy: Ohhhhh nooooo Crap. I’m sorry
Me: Ummm
IT guy: Yeah, something just broke. We’re going to have to look at this, I’m sorry.
Me: Don’t you think we should just throw this away and get a bright, shinny, new computer?
IT guy: Yeah, but that’s not going to happen

So I’m back on the laptop with the letters rubbed off waiting to hear how the surgery goes, I hope little laptop pulls through. I really feel bad for IT guy though because if my job sucks how much does HIS job sucks that he has to fix things that he is positive will break again no matter what. I think that’s what is known as an exercise in futility.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

I do not understand the appeal of John Mayer. Why is he always coming up on Pandora, why do so many people follow him on twitter and most of all why do all these good looking celebrities date him and obsess about him?

Cubes!

I’m thinking about pitching a new show to MTV. It will be similar to Cribs! and it will be called “Cubes!” I’ll take a camera crew around from cube to cube and show them all the crazy, pimped out sh$t people put up on their cube walls and collect at their desk. I’ll be all edgy like, “hellz ya, look at that killer poster of a cat clinging to the wall saying ‘hang in there’. Totally badass. Check out this completely original, hand made, one of a kind calendar of sunsets. Or look, here are sweet vintage collectables like pez dispensers and magic eight balls.” People will finally have an opportunity to show off all the “funny” mugs and 8 million photographs of their weddings and children framed on the desk. I mean, why are platinum records and huge TVs more interesting than say, oversized plants and year old birthday cards?

Don’t worry though, I have a backup. If MTV isn’t really feeling it, I’ll pull out the secret weapon: cube names. Every one of my office mates will be given a handle by which they will be referred to for the rest of the show. Here’s what I have so far:
constant chatter, nail clipper, personal calls, crazy eyes, and sweatpants.

I mean watching annoying celebrities who get paid too much show you how they are squandering away their money on useless, expensive crap is cool and all, but let’s bring it back down to the little guy. So MTV, are you in?

Just a Thought

If you made something smelly and disgusting for dinner, don’t bring the leftovers to work. Don’t reheat it in the communal microwave and don’t sit at your desk and eat it, letting the smell waft through the office. Also, don’t bring tuna fish. Ever.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

So, I’m following Rose McGowan on twitter but I’m thinking of blocking her because all she does is retweet Alyssa Milano’s tweets. If I wanted to know what Alyssa Milano had to say, I’d follow her.

Hair Today...

You know how it can be when you get bored and read some article you find online, which then leads you to something else, and so on and so on. Well, I was falling down that rabbit hole just now and I landed here on Kitty Wigs! The book!

I’ll allow you to go to the site and peruse on your own, but first here is my favorite.


This is bashful blond. I feel like she connected with the photographer and was able to really master blue steal. I just hope she doesn't get too full of herself with her career taking off like this and become just another starlett in rehab.

Mission: Could be Possible

I need someone in the office to spy on The Temp for me. Every time I ask my boss if The Temp can help with a project she says no. No? Really, no? Why not?? What is The Temp doing over there? Is the The Temp soooo busy, or does TT have sooo many projects with tight deadlines that TT can’t help with something that would take 45 minutes? WHY NOT, WHAT DOES THE TEMP DO ALL DAY THAT IS SO TIME CONSUMING?

The Sky is Falling, the Sky is Falling…

I cannot believe it but I forgot to write about the day the ceiling fell at work. About a month ago people were busily working way, okay checking status updates, in their cubes when all the sudden the ceiling just fell down on top of unsuspecting employees.

(actual photo - no photoshop needed)

I know what you’re thinking: must be foul play. Who specifically was hit and more importantly who did they piss off? Or better, is this the new way to get fired? We’re actually part of some sick and twisted reality show and if the ceiling falls on your desk then you must pack your knives and go?

Since I’m already pretty suspicious of almost everyone in my office (and especially you, HR woman) I decided to lay low and see what happened next. Well, they left the employees to sweep up the debris and “put a call into the building manager” which is another way of saying, sorry, not my problem. The building manager did come eventually and people would look at the holes and then mumble something about getting a guy, and then that guy would come and say so-and-so needed to do this, and then eventually people were working on it and banging loudly all day every day. The other unfortunate side effect of all this was somehow it made the whole office freezing. I don’t quite understand the logistics but it could be another aspect of the reality show, a sort of endurance test.

Then one day I realized I could feel my fingers again and the constant ringing in my ears had stopped and I looked up and the ceiling was fixed. It must be nice to have a job where you accomplish things and can set attainable goals. To Do: Fix Ceiling. I’ve just completed my list. So anyway order was restored and everyone went back to gchatting and lived happily ever after. Until next time…

Overheard at the Water Cooler

Ok, this is actually more like found in my in-box but I couldn't resist. Thanks j.

Do you remember the song "no Pigeons"? - heard it on back in the day @ noon courtesy of jam'n [radio station]. Followed by Back that A$$ Up. I almost had a dance party in my cube, but I am not wearing my booty shorts today, so it didn't seem right. Too bad it's not Casual Wednesday.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

How long do we have to wait before Miley pulls a Britney and shaves her head?

H1N1: It’s all the Rage OR Swine Flu Sends Office Hog Wild

Apparently the people in HR here are convinced that someone is going to contract the swine flu (I’m sorry, H1N1) and infect everyone and it will be a major meltdown. Things started off slowly, first there were the signs about washing your hands in the bathroom. That wasn’t enough though, because the new tactic is instilling fear. All of the sudden there are signs everywhere in the office that look like this:



They are on the refrigerator, next to the water cooler, in the hallways – nobody is safe. I’m patiently waiting for the day when we are given those little masks when we walk through the doors.

Here’s the thing though, every time I see those signs I just want to get back in my car, drive all the way home and call into the office and say: (cough, cough) it feels like I have a cold AND flu symptoms, I can’t come in today.

I'm going to go ahead and say that people do a pretty good job panicking on their own and we don’t really need HR to help it along. Oh, and in case you were wondering the reason we are having flu vaccines in the office today (right now in fact) is so everyone can get them out of the way early and be ready to go when the H1N1 vaccine is ready. We can’t get normal running water but we will beat this outbreak, damn it.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

Someone in the other office just forwarded me an email they got saying -

Subject: "Cold water in the building is coming out brown!"
body: Hot water for hands and cups should be o.k...

Overheard at the Water Cooler

Guy: I have a question for you
Girl: Ok ?
Guy: If a chicken has an illness, do you think the eggs would taste funny?
Girl: I have no idea (walks away)
Guy: hmmm (looking puzzled)

again a shout out to little C., who might hear more weird stuff then I do.

Dove Wrapper Says What?

I’m adding a new segment. Since I’m bored and cranky at work I often eat the Dove chocolate promises. If you’ve ever had them you know they:
1. Are extremely delicious
2. Have little sayings inside the wrapper

The saying are ridiculous. Today’s was:
“Be a Dark Chocolate Diva just for a moment”

Now, I don’t want to be presumptuous but I don’t know many straight men who consider themselves divas. Dove, are you suggesting that mostly women (and gay men?) eat chocolate?? The nerve.

It's funny because it's true...

someecards always says it best

Triple Word Score

As my treat to myself for being stuck in a cage I get lunch at subway once a week. That’s right, I live dangerously. So I decided to own that and I’m now very involved in a game of subway scrabble. My winnings so far include: 2 cookies, with my next purchase. That’s right, FREE COOKIES. I mean, I can quit my job now! I’ve actually taken the game a step further and I’m collecting the game pieces and entering them online to try and win. (If the word “pathetic” just popped into your head, you’re not alone). However, I will have you know that I am one “S” from an island vacation. I don’t know what island or how long or how many people, but it’s an island vacation damn it. So if anyone out there is hoarding an S can you please send it my way, you know that you aren’t going to put in the effort and enter it online. Only crazy people do that. Maybe I’ll even take you with me…

ok, one last thing. I wasn't goign to admit this but I also entered a code on the honey bunches of oats box to see if I won a party in paradise yesterday. Things are getting bad in the cage.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

Dear Nickleback,
If i stop talking crap about you, will you stop making music? PLEASE?!

Update

alert...alert...alert

The door handle on the bathroom has been fixed. All is right with the world.

Just Another Awesome Day in the Life

Today, the handle broke off the door in the bathroom. This means you can’t get in or out. There are 3 floors in the office; each floor has a bathroom with exactly 2 stalls. This means on a good day for approximately 60 females there are six stalls. Now we’re down to four and things are getting ugly. We contacted the building manager and asked him to fix it and so far the solution has been to prop open the door with a wooden doorstop.


This way you can get in and out of the bathroom, and then there is the added bonus that everyone walking by can hear you peeing. I think the natives are starting to rebel though because in the downstairs bathroom (one of the “good” ones) there is toilet paper strewn everywhere, water all over the floor, and a line down the hall. This is not a fun nightclub; I don’t want to wait in line for the bathroom. Actually, I don’t want to wait in line at a nightclub either. But regardless if I’m waiting in line to use a crappy bathroom at work, I want a dance floor set up in the conference room.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

guy 1: the best coffee I've ever had was from Ethiopia
guy 2: oh yeah did you go there, where did you get it?
guy 1: Wisconsin

(thanks C for that one)

No, seriously??

Me: Can I have the temp help me with an email campaign?
Boss: Hmm, nooooo….
Me: ?
Boss: Well, the system we use to do the emails is really quirky and frustrating, don’t you think?
Me: Yes
Boss: Well, so it might be frustrating for her. And we don’t want the temp to get frustrated and quit, so you should do it yourself.

Seriously?

Why, all of the sudden, is there a sign in the bathroom saying “did you wash your hands” (with a picture of hands and some really cute scrubba bubbles)? Is this a problem, do people need to be reminded?