Overheard at the Water Cooler

Person 1: How are you?

Person 2: Fine, just really unhappy to be here

Facebook Fail

Here are some post from people I went to highschool with. Thanks guys for highlighting our stellar education.

i hate when someone tries to impress someone else by being something their not

(Please try and get a handle on the use of there, their, and they're before you post anything else)

Why is chips and salsa so addictive...

(seriously? I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you did that on purpose)

Auto Complete Me

Thanks to K. for sending this to me. I've come across some of these in my own google searches but having a website do it for me is much better. This also kind of falls in line with my theory that google is always watching and trying to take over the world and maybe some of these are their diabolical ways of influencing us and getting revenge.

http://autocompleteme.com/

The Building is Heated by the Sun

Most people are not happy with then temperature in their office but I have to say I think this place takes it to a new level. It is so freaking cold all the time. HR loves to tell us that they can't control the heat in the building and it's difficult to regulate so everyone is warm. Fine, whatever, I don't really care about everyone I care about me. Make my section warm. Or at least tolerable. Last year people were sending all these emails complaining so HR responded with this:

Please be advised that the building is heated by the sun. When the sun hits the building in the morning it will be warmer and when it goes behind the building in the afternoon it will get cooler. Please dress appropriately and in layers.

I mean, I'm all for going green but WTF. Why do we have to rely on the sun for heat when electricity exists? Today it's cloudy so there is no sun and no warmth. Last year the heat broke for the entire month of February and they wouldn't bring someone in to fix it. We all went to work in down jackets and and gloves. This is no joke. People tried to bring in space heaters but that was shut down because apparently it's afire hazard or something. when they eventually got the heat fixed we were informed it was 42 degrees in the office. I really can't wait for the cold to set in again.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

I think that cell phone technology has come a long way over the last 10 years. In fact, I would go so far as to say every single person I know has and uses a cellphone, including my grandmother. In FACT, most people use cell phones as their primary phones and are pretty familiar with the whole system and how they work. So why, after all this time, do cell phones STILL instruct me on how to leave a message?? "At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options." No. F-ing. Way. Record at the tone? And then hang up when I'm done?? Are you sure??? I feel so uncertain how to proceed with this newfangled technology. Please cell phone, walk me through it! I think it's time we put a little trust in society and just went directly for the beep (think Dylan McKay, "this is Dylan, you know the drill"). I do know the drill, I do.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

"I just got yet another bitchy email talking to me like I'm a peon busboy at Denny's, instead of a professional who's worked here for four years."

This Can't be Good

I think the cleaning staff at the office has thrown in the towel (or the tissue..?). Instead of replacing toilet paper in the dispensers they just left some rolls in he stalls. I'm considering this a sign of things to come here.

Namaste

I don't really like yoga (at all) but everyone is always talking about how wonderful it is and how it puts you at peace with the world and yourself and bla bla bla. So after a particularly frustrating day at work where I did not feel at peace with anyone or anything I decided to give this yoga thing a try. I showed up for a class at my gym, which is near work, and I couldn't even find the right room and I wasn't wearing cool yoga clothes but I finally sat down with the proper equipment and waited for class to begin.

The teacher walked in and put on soothing music and said "ok, let's being (in that really low, monotone voice) and at that moment WHO should come running in but the highly annoying and fully crazy HR Lady from work. F-ing super. So now it was too late to leave and I was stuck in this class I didn't really want to be in with someone I really didn't want to talk to. I was a few rows behind her so I thought maybe I could avoid her but little did I know yoga is full of moves where you turn and look over your should. It took all of 5 minutes for her to see me and start waving and yell-whispering "hi". Needless to say the class was in no way peaceful.

I spent the next hour trying to do moves I really couldn't do (and hold them) and breath in and out loudly, all the while being highly aware of the watchful eyes of HR Lady. Oh, did I mentioned HR Lady loves to gossip? The last straw was when at the end we had to lay on the floor for like an HOUR. I mean maybe it was five minutes but had to be still and silent for an impossibly long time and I have never felt so antsy.

Of course at the end of the class HR Lady came running over to me all, "Hiiiiiii - oh how are you?? What are you doing here, I've never seen you in this class before? Do you go to this gym?"
I told her no, it was just a trial and I didn't think I'd be coming back. Now I stick to the treadmills in the back where I belong. HR Lady is none the wiser.

Overheard at the Water Cooler

I'm on page 24 of the 125 page report due Friday. I sort of just want to put my head down on the keyboard and cry. Whatever keys I press I’ll hand in as my report.

An Open Letter

This is my open letter to HR -

Dear Human Resources,

Thank you so much for incessantly posting flyers on every inch of wall space telling me to cover my mouth when I cough and to STOP and go home and if I have a fever AND cough. Also, thanks for the many emails reminding me of our new "fit to work" policy where we are to supposed to come to work with a 100 degree fever or more. However as I look around the office I can't help but notice the balls of tissues at desks and hear the sounds of coughing echoing in the hallway. While people are covering their mouths as instructed, they are still coming to work sick. Then it hit me - we don't have sick days! Therefor staying home requires us to use our precious vacation days. Who wants to use a coveted day off lying on the couch and eating soup, especially when you don't really feel thaaat bad. As in, you could probably sit through a day at your desk and save your vacation time. I propose implementing sick days in the office for people to use, wait for it, when they are sick. I know this is a little out there so I'll give you some time to let this sink in. Just remember, cold and flu season is only beginning...

sincerely,
humansincages

Overheard at the Water Cooler

I've been trying to get a hold of someone about that problem all day. I really wish people in this office would answers their phones. Ever.

Slacker Friday

It's Friday, which means 60% of the office isn't here. Somehow all these people managed to finagle it so they are "working from home" on Fridays. Yet I continue to drive here like a chump. Something to do with having children=working from home. I'm so glad this office is not penalizing me for my life decisions. Maybe I should just start putting up pictures of a friend's baby all around my cube and pretend that it's mine. And I could rush out of here right at five, all "gotta pick up the kids." I mean, who would ever think that someone would lie about that, right? Then I could "work" from home, too and sleep in and extra hour and check email in my pajamas. You know, the American dream.

On the plus side, for some reason I'm not getting any emails today. Go figure.

Move Over Snuggie

I'm sure that everyone remembers the Snuggie and how it took last year by storm. The commercials where they couldn't answer the phone while in blanket but could easily do it in a Snuggie were everywhere. I saw facebook events for Snuggie pubcrawls and yes, even a Snuggie for dogs.

Well, it's time to move over Snuggie, there's a new kid in town. The horribly-named Lippi Selk Bag. Basically they took the concept further and created giant sleeping bag suits. I feel like they really go into the mobility aspect of it. The guy on the website reminds me a transformer for some reason, I feel like he should fold up into a little car or something. But seriously, how creepy would it be if this was behind you on the street?




I propose a snuggie vs. selki battle. Contestants will have to do things like answer phones, read, drink tea and other challenges to test the mobility and durability. Any takers?



vs.

Low Blood Sugar Ponderings

Why does Facebook keep telling me to reconnect with my "friends"? Maybe I don't like poking people.

It's Official

We now have our first employee with H1N1. Let the germ dissemination begin.

UPDATE - i don't want to cause a panic here, Employee contracted the swine flu over the weekend and hasn't been to work since. So you all may be safe...for now...

In case you didn't know it

warning

Umm it REEKS of natural gas in the bathroom. Should I be concerned?

Dress for Success

We have a very casual work environment - think jeans and sweaters. Flip-flops. And I can recall a time where I swear I saw sweatpants. Today I wore a dress skirt and a button down and my boss asked me if I had a job interview. Really? That's sad (and a weird question, would I ever say yes?). It's similar to when I actually style my hair and and someone says "wow, you look really nice!" It should be a compliment but really it just reminds you how little effort you put in to your appearance. I blame you, cubicle. You made me this way. I'm hidden from my co-workers and therefor feel "dressing up" is a waste. Well also I don't make any money and can't afford clothes. Sigh. Perhaps tomorrow I'll wear an evening gown, really shake things up. It's about time we brought back the waistcoat in the workplace.

Does Anyone Know What Day It Is?

Things I Don't Want You to Tell Me:

It's Monday
Your weekend was too short
You can't believe it's already Monday again
You wish the weekend was longer
You dislike Mondays
You're exhausted from the weekend
Weekends are fun, Mondays are not
Tomorrow is Tuesday


(And yes, I know I say these things but I'm exempt from scorn)

Overheard at the Water Cooler

Is it bad that the best part of my day is the cheez-it break?